Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Sponge Girl Too Weak To Eat, Still Has Energy To Hate K-Fed

Speaking from her sickbed, the still-miserable Sponge Girl has built up enough energy to comment on the most ridiculous attempt at creating musical credibility - "in the world, ever, ever".

Sponge Girl is of course referring to the human trainwreck, Kevin Federline, and his "single" PopoZao.

Her frail body trembling from both fury and malnutrition, Sponge Girl's comments were laced with unbridled disgust.

"It's obvious Kevin has decided that the best way to gain any credibility in society at large would be to convince people he actually speaks a foreign language, and Portuguese is a good choice. It's a bit edgy and out-there and doesn't have the burden of being associated by Candeece-Chastity Yokel from Arkansas with something French people speak. So his logic is solid," began the precious little thing.

"But for crying out loud, is PopoZao really the best he can do? And to even point it out to the poor unknowing, he actually writes the masturbatory piece of information into the song: It's Portuguese! I mean hey, Ricky Martin didn't go around singing La Vida Loca is Spanish and means the crazy life and woo-hoo ain't I sexy for speaking something you critics don't. Why? Because he could actually speak Spanish. K-Fed can hardly speak English. Personally I believe he's really only fluent in the native tongue of buffalo wings, or maybe Springerspeak."

As the starlet's blood pressure began to rise to dangerous levels, her minders suggested steering the interview to a less hateful topic. When asked about her current condition Sponge Girl said: "Well, we managed to find the kidneys and they have been reattached now, so that's all good. The antibiotics are still making things a bit confusing for me, though. Who said that?"

Sponge Girl also commented on the dedication shown to her by the Lovely Ladeez, who have been out in force catsuits and whips ready for action, and the unstoppable Mirri, whose ancient-ish incantations have speeded the recovery process: "I had no idea they would all come to my help with such verve, grace and ooomph. No, that's a lie - I knew ooomph would always be involved. I'm getting better, which is great. And I've lost 10% of my body weight in three days, and that can't be all bad."

In unrelated news, anonymous assailants have reportedly fired silver bullets at Tom Cruise, although Mr Cruise's aides are yet to confirm the rumour.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Sponge Girl's Mysterious Illness

Close friends of the amazingly sexy and phantasmagorically clever Sponge Girl are reported to be in turmoil as the starlet has unexpectedly been taken ill.

While no exact details are available, several theories of the beauty's condition are circulating.

In certain quarters it is supected that Sponge Girl has been involved in an unfortunate altercation with Tom Cruise, leading to her kidneys being stolen in a clandestine fashion.

"It is a trademark of the fundamentalist Scientologists: they have a profound belief in simply being really, really mean to anyone that irritates them. And of course, for several weeks now Sponge Girl has been said to be on the brink of incurring the cult's full wrath due to her public criticism of the nutjob Mr Cruise. Erase that last bit," commented an academic specialising in weird ideologies.

Another possibility, one that has been voiced by some in Sponge Girl's innermost circle, is that in her typical empathetic manner Sponge Girl has had a violent physical reaction to the misfortunes of Miz Bohemia, a close personal ally and all-round yummy mummy.

Natalie Portman, speaking on behalf of Sponge Girl's distraught posse, urged people to do their best to improve Miz Bohemia's condition: "While we can't be absolutely sure that that would be the sole cause of Sponge Girl's current state of health, it is a likely contributing factor. I mean, look at how badly she took the whole Kay-incident. Having said that, I don't think it would hurt to maybe, you know... fix... Mr Cruise. ".

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Sponge Girl Does Not Deny Wedding Rumours!

The effervescent yet alluringly sophisticated Sponge Girl has not denied rumours that she is involved with the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. In fact, Sponge Girl has now made a brief statement to the press saying that while she is not Ms Holmes' bridesmaid, she is "more in a... consulting role", though she would not give precise details. The rumours started when Ms Holmes was heard calling out to Sponge Girl with the mysterious line "Just don't wear heels, okay?".

There is budding speculation that Sponge Girl decided to take part in the event with the view to sabotage it from within, although at her brief public appearance Sponge Girl - sporting a nice black Divide et impera shirt - avoided commenting on the allegation.

Though few details of the event are available, Sponge Girl is known to be involved in a battle of wills with Mr Cruise, who does not accept her opinion that signed photographs of himself are not appropriate wedding favours. She is also said to be adamant that Mr Cruise be seated between Angelina Jolie and an unnamed Thai ladyboy for the duration of the reception.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Sponge Girl To Be Katie Holmes' Bridesmaid?

Rumours are flying around that the soon-to-be Mrs Cruise has asked Sponge Girl to be one of the bridesmaids at her wedding, alongside Dakota Fanning.

A friend of Katie Holmes has said the actress feels her relationship with the most annoying man of all time has not been taken as seriously as she had hoped ("I told her she was going to regret turning down Christian Bale", added the friend), and having a luminary figure such as Sponge Girl so closely involved with the event would lend their farcical wedding some much-needed credibility.

"Of course, it's going to be a Scientology wedding, so it'll involve prayers in Alien-language and a ritualistic denial of all scientifically proven knowledge under the Sun, which Katie thinks is incredibly romantic. Then again, she's been a bit off her rocker ever since she got it on with Pacey", mused the friend.

"Sponge Girl hasn't replied yet as far as I know. It's not quite guaranteed that she'll do it, though. You know, what with her actually being allergic to Tom - a really rather violent stabbing reflex - and never having spoken a word to Katie apart from 'Why? For the love of God, why?' before Tom's heavies, well, 'removed' her from the engagement party."

Sponge Girl has evaded reporters of late and as such no comments on the topic are available, although she has been seen meeting with Nicole Kidman for a friendly drink and a spot of voodoo. Chris Klein has sometimes been included in the happy group.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Sponge Girl Fights Off Philippe

Sponge Girl is said to be furious with family man Ryan Philippe after the actor made a desperate grab for the starlet's booty at a Golden Globe after party. Known for her quick reflexes Sponge Girl turned around and bitch-slapped the bastard.

"Man, you could hear it across the room", reminisced the coked-out Paris Hilton, who for some God-forsaken reason changed into a flamingo suit mid-party.

"Look, I can't say Ryan and I have ever been the best of friends, but I did hope he would have stopped deliberately misinterpreting me. He should have known that with our history I would never make eyes at him at a party - he should damn well have known I was looking at Hugh Laurie," explained Sponge Girl, with a hint of bitterness in her voice. Sponge Girl started to say something else, but quickly changed her mind and stayed silent.

Natalie Portman, who was with Sponge Girl trying to calm her down, explained that she was quite surprised Ryan had made such a fool of himself: "And to use Timberlake's M.O., as well! Cheeky bugger."

When asked to comment on the incident, Mr Philippe looked confused and said only "Timber-who?"

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

"Feed Nicole", pleads Sponge Girl

Sponge Girl has mounted a world-wide "Feed Nicole"-campaign after meeting with estranged friend Nicole Ritchie, a 13-year-old orange boy.

A distraught Sponge Girl told Cosmopolitan magazine that a recent reunion with the emaciated Ms Ritchie was more a shocking eye-opener than a "nice little bitch session about Paris".

Confidantes have revealed that while Ms Ritchie and Sponge Girl used to be close friends during their True Love Waits years, the pair had since drifted apart for unknown reasons - though some have speculated the split to have been caused by "a combination of Nicole's moral poverty and Sponge Girl's unrelenting intellectual snobbery". It is said that their recent meeting was due to Sponge Girl wanting to mend their frayed relationship.

A member of Ms Ritchie's posse, who was present at the meeting, was able to give more details than the tearful Sponge Girl.

"She, like, looked at her all stunned an' stuff and then said 'Nic, sweetheart, look at yourself. Listen, the line between looking gorgeous and looking dead isn't fine at all - and I don't care what Mischa says!' - that's when Nic's pants fell off - y'know, with her not having hips an' stuff".

The horrified Sponge Girl is known to have left hurriedly, without even touching her moccha.

Putting down the Kleenex just long enough to produce a coherent sentence, Sponge Girl urged people to do their best to provide Ms Ritchie with food. "Donuts, nachos, Hershey bars, bananas, stir fry - anything you can get your hands on. "

When asked how people would be able to feed Nicole Ritchie when she seems so incapable of it herself, Sponge Girl stated: "It really won't be a problem. She's at the stage where her skin will actually absorb food if it's not provided internally. So, just pelt her with random foodstuffs - it'll work just fine".

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Sponge Girl's Pocket Reference Book In Production!

In the wake of her most recent celebrity mix-up Sponge Girl has decided to put together a guide identifying the subtle (if sometimes negligible) differences between the representatives of the modern breed of actress slash singer slash socialite.

"Knowing the horrendous fate that can befall anyone who adresses an A-list simpleton incorrectly I feel it is my humanitarian duty to inform people on the matter, to collect a guide of sorts - a Pocket Reference of Tabloid Whores, if you will."

Sponge Girl therefore invites moral upstanding citizens (and for the sake of equality, bohemians) to take part in the quest. Go to the comments trail for further instructions.

"Do it for your country," advises Sponge Girl.

Sponge Girl's Identity Blunder

Sponge Girl has had to think of reasonable explanation why, at a recent gala event, she accidentally called Lindsay Lohan "Jessica".

Realising her mistake the clearly red-faced Sponge Girl hurriedly explained to the fuming Ms Lohan that her contacts had perhaps slipped, and that she had certainly availed herself of the bountiful alcohol provided, the combination of the two leading to a momentary lapse of judgement. "Of course you don't look like her. You're your own pers...", attempted Sponge Girl before coming to an abrupt halt.

Before the pause became too awkward, Sponge Girl snapped back into her usual form with "Oh screw that. Get your own look, girl. And quit the singing before someone does it for you."

Sponge Girl later denied she in fact threatened Ms Lohan with voice-depriving violence, but added "If anyone has done any research into breast implants interfering with the larynx - or at the very least booty-shaking abilities - I'd be interested in hearing more about it."

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Sponge Girl Informs Public on "Tabloid"

In a surprise move Doug Pascover, expert dialectician and grammarian afflicted by the fatal curmudgeonitis horribilis or "Henry Higgins' Disease", has enlisted the help of Sponge Girl in defining the essence of Tabloid.

In a short statement Sponge Girl explained her acceptance of the offer by saying "While I generally don't believe in anything being definite - thus making definitions somewhat void - in this instance I had to make an exception. The Tabloidistanis are a vastly misunderstood people, and I hope my little contribution can help further understanding of their customs and societal norms".

"Plus after the little... incident in Queensland all those years ago, I owed Doug a favour," added the starlet, refusing to elaborate further.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Sponge Girl Not Naked!

Paparazzi around the world are furious at their yet again foiled attempts to photograph Sponge Girl naked on a beach.

One photographer, who wished to remain anonymous, said "We really have no idea how she manages to evade us year after year. We have pictures of her going grocery shopping, talking on the phone and rescuing kittens from trees, but there are just these moments when she simply disappears and can't be seen for up to 43 minutes at a time. I reckon it's just enough time to take your kit off and roll about uninhibitedly. And maybe have an ice cream."

When asked about reports that Sponge Girl was in fact fond of 40-minute afternoon naps, and wasn't even particularly keen on the beach, the photographer became outraged and shook his head violently: "No! All young women sunbathe naked! And have pillowfights in their knickers! In syrup! Why can't she -- I don't get it, I don't get it. Can it really be so hard to do depraved stuff for the tabloids? I mean really!"

Sponge Girl did not exactly comment as such, but she did burst into cute girly giggles when told about the photographer's beliefs.