Sponge Girl Too Weak To Eat, Still Has Energy To Hate K-Fed

Speaking from her sickbed, the still-miserable Sponge Girl has built up enough energy to comment on the most ridiculous attempt at creating musical credibility - "in the world, ever, ever".

Sponge Girl is of course referring to the human trainwreck, Kevin Federline, and his "single" PopoZao.

Her frail body trembling from both fury and malnutrition, Sponge Girl's comments were laced with unbridled disgust.

"It's obvious Kevin has decided that the best way to gain any credibility in society at large would be to convince people he actually speaks a foreign language, and Portuguese is a good choice. It's a bit edgy and out-there and doesn't have the burden of being associated by Candeece-Chastity Yokel from Arkansas with something French people speak. So his logic is solid," began the precious little thing.

"But for crying out loud, is PopoZao really the best he can do? And to even point it out to the poor unknowing, he actually writes the masturbatory piece of information into the song: It's Portuguese! I mean hey, Ricky Martin didn't go around singing La Vida Loca is Spanish and means the crazy life and woo-hoo ain't I sexy for speaking something you critics don't. Why? Because he could actually speak Spanish. K-Fed can hardly speak English. Personally I believe he's really only fluent in the native tongue of buffalo wings, or maybe Springerspeak."

As the starlet's blood pressure began to rise to dangerous levels, her minders suggested steering the interview to a less hateful topic. When asked about her current condition Sponge Girl said: "Well, we managed to find the kidneys and they have been reattached now, so that's all good. The antibiotics are still making things a bit confusing for me, though. Who said that?"

Sponge Girl also commented on the dedication shown to her by the Lovely Ladeez, who have been out in force catsuits and whips ready for action, and the unstoppable Mirri, whose ancient-ish incantations have speeded the recovery process: "I had no idea they would all come to my help with such verve, grace and ooomph. No, that's a lie - I knew ooomph would always be involved. I'm getting better, which is great. And I've lost 10% of my body weight in three days, and that can't be all bad."

In unrelated news, anonymous assailants have reportedly fired silver bullets at Tom Cruise, although Mr Cruise's aides are yet to confirm the rumour.