Thursday, March 23, 2006

Cartoon Whores Created; Sponge Girl Blamed

Having recently returned from her puppetry experience, Sponge Girl has now had to face the abomination that formed during her long absence from the public eye.

Paris and Nicky Hilton are due to feature in a cartoon dedicated to their vacuous lives. Child protection groups around the world have blamed Sponge Girl for not being there to prevent the creation of Cartoon Whores - a program which will undoubtedly damage children's development for several generations.

"I'm happy for her that she's been busy, and obviously Federwhatzisname dropped the charges and all that, but really there's no excuse for letting down the kids of the world," commented a placard-waving mother, who wished to remain anonymous.

Speaking on behalf of Sponge Girl, Natalie Portman commented: "It is awful, no doubt about it. I mean, calculated nip-slips and vaginal flashings just don't belong in kids' television. Spongie does feel that had she been alerted to the project earlier she could have prevented it somehow - maybe by slicing off Paris' annoying head - but in reality she can't be everywhere, and I don't think anyone would argue that she should have shunned her responsibility as chief puppeteer to kick some heiress butt. You can't just leave a project like that, and no-one but Spongie could make Sam "Da Man" Jackson sing in a falsetto, no-one."

When asked what Sponge Girl was planning now that the cartoon was already in production, Ms Portman replied: "Well, I can't give you the details, obviously, but if we can arrange for a South Park cross-over, and then close the portal before Paris and Nicky can return to their own world, we should be fine. Cartman would fuckin' eat them alive."

In other news, the Cartoon Whores characters will also star in the new line of VagWedge adverts, and in return the product will feature in the first episode of the controversial series - with an option for many more. According to Ms Holmes' and The Hiltons' spokespeople the close collaboration between the program and and the vaginal flossing device is a simple run-of-the-mill advertising excercise, and nothing to do with the lot of them being nuts.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Sponge Girl Controls Snakes (On A Plane)!

Sponge Girl's recent absence from the public eye has been explained by her key role as chief puppeteer on the set of Snakes On A Plane.

Snakes On A Plane, the great epic of our times, tells the touching story of a bad-ass muthafucka (played with customary poise by Samuel L. Jackson) just trying to do his job, when (poisonous) snakes are released in an (airborne) aeroplane - threatening Christmas and democracy with their slithering ways. Producers have been trying to disguise the film as harmless, silly fun - but academics around the world have suggested that the film is in fact a meaningful political allegory. Some think the snakes represent Evil, with Mr Jackson representing America, while others suggest the snakes' illegal occupation of the plane suggests a biting commentary on the non-war-everything's-going-fine-I-tells-ya- situation in Iraq.

Sponge Girl would not comment on the political undertones of the film, but was happy to talk of her role in creating the masterpiece.

"Well, given that all of the snakes were animated in post-prod, as chief puppeteer it was my job to make sure there was a performance of The Lonely Goatherd every evening at the end of shooting. And although I generally don't like stars making these outrageous demands in their contracts, I must admit I thought it was kinda neat that Sam specifically wanted puppet theatre, and not ocean-scented toilet paper or thinly sliced ocelot for breakfast or something like that. It was great fun - I coordinated the rotation of roles right from Girl In Pale Pink Coat to Baby Goat and made sure everyone knew which way to pull the ropes."

Continued Sponge Girl: "And let me tell you, yodelling every night for three months really taxes your voice. Imagine, after the first week I was so sore I couldn't even manage a friendly 'up yours' when I bumped into Tom one evening. Fortunately I'm better now."

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Tom Cruise: Life-Sucking Idiot; Sponge Girl: Needs Happyplace

The upcoming Federline vs. Fancypants trial has been overshadowed in the press by reports that while Sponge Girl has stepped aside from planning the Cruise-Holmes sham wedding, she has not retired from being a vocal critic of Mr Cruise, or "insane little self-obsessed wanker-doofus", as his friends jovially refer to him.

An exasperated Sponge Girl has said she cannot understand why a previously sensible girl such as Ms Holmes could be so enamoured with a misogynistic prickhead.

"Look, women do occasionally fall for the wrong guy - I know that now I wouldn't spend a fortnight in the arms of Charlie Sheen, but at the time it seemed like a good idea - but that kind of lapse in judgement is only excusable if he's good-looking and you don't actually have any evidence of him smoking pot in the bathroom, just a hunch. But when the man of your dreams isn't even half as good-looking as, say, Jake Gyllenhaal - Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal! - and there are libraries devoted to his idiocies, and evidence-a-plenty that he just ain't worth it, sugar - well, then, I don't know what is wrong with you."

The visibly agitated Sponge Girl then closed her eyes and repeated a mantra that sounded something like oh my happyplace-welcome home mrs gyllenhaal-my happyplace-oh my happyplace-why thank you I would love some lemonade.

She continued her social commentary more relaxed, though still focussed on the topic at hand:

"What's most worrying is that this... "man" is airing some downright dangerous views on everything from sex to childbirth- as if he has a clue on either! I'd like to see Tom not scream when eight pounds of alien baby is extracted from any one of his orifices*. And what kind of a sick perverted little monkey bans a hormonally charged woman from having sex for nine months? That's right, an bad sick perverted little monkey. And I hope all you ladies who love Scientologists are paying very close attention to how this sex ban only applies to the mother-to-be. Think about it."

When asked what she felt could be done to help Ms Holmes, Sponge Girl sighed. "There's only so much you can do. I've talked to her, I've shown her the magazine clippings, I've had her read Nicole Kidman's diary, I've introduced her to Jake Gyllenhaal - Jake Gyllenhaal, people! A nice, non-crazy person! - to Cillian Murphy, to Zach Braff... the list goes on. I've arranged for a naked Christian Bale to await her at home, I've kidnapped and beaten her and pinned it on Tom - and she doesn't even bat an eyelid. No, I think I will have to accept that she is beyond help - the best I can do is keep the rest of the world informed so that no other publicity hungry young wenches, desperate to make the change from TV girl next door to blockbuster babe, won't succumb to this sort of an arrangement. Well, except for the Olsen Twins. Those bobblehead bitches can marry whichever nutcase they want."

*Interesting side note - while according to current scientific knowledge Tom Cruise lacks a vagina, he does possess two, how shall we put this, a-holes. Guess where!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Sponge Girl In Court; Federline Royalty

Kevin Federline, aka Douchebag, has announced he will sue Sponge Girl. Mr Federline has reportedly not yet figured out what exactly the lawsuit will focus on, saying only "Are you hatin', too, bitch? A guy's gotta look after himself, right?"

World media is speculating that this may in fact be a desperate attempt on Mr Federline's part to score some quick cash. Associate Professor of Yokelism, Terrence Hovel, from the Jesus Christ 4Eva University in Tennessee has commented "Kevin, he ain't no fool - lawsuits are where it's at. It'll be great publicity, fantastic for re-launching the sagging career of an ex-backup dancer and current allegedly unfit parent."

"It's also a time-honored way of bringing home the bacon, and in the professional circuits starting court proceedings for no other reason than monetary gain is actually called federlining. Not many people outside of the court circuit know that it was Kevin's mother who caused McDonald's to print hot coffee- warnings on their cups. Oddly enough, the uneducated masses seem frustrated at Kevin seemingly living off Britney's fame, but in reality Kevin was trailor-trash royalty far before Britney even got her first implants. Kevin comes from a long line of expert sue-ers, and many have been anxiously waiting for him to come to his own as the Crown Prince or this all-American way of life. I know I'll certainly be watching the case closely, so long as FOX gets the rights to it," added Dr. Hovel.

Sponge Girl was not available for comment, but Judge Judy was happy to clarify the legal situation: "The only avenue open for Mr Federline would be the hatin' charge - but it would be very difficult to prove due to the well-established fact that Mr Federline is in a more dire need of a bitch-slapping than anyone else. So if Sponge Girl is indeed displaying signs of hatin', it could just as easily be interpreted as righteous anger, and that's protected by the Supreme Court. The case isn't water tight and if I get assigned to it, I'd have to send his whiny little butt packing, purely on legal grounds of course."