Sponge Girl: That's right, Heather, so long as you believe that

In a sad display of denial, Heather Mills McCartney believes Sir Paul changing the locks on her was just a silly misunderstanding, and nothing to do with the fact that the former Beatle hates her gold-digging guts.

"He used to do this all the time, it was like I'd never know whether I'd be able to get in to the house or not. Then I'd, you know, scale the fence - challenge and a half, I can tell you that! - throw a garden gnome through a window and ta-DA, home sweet home. Paul would always look so stunned, then do this really cute tired-of-life- sort of look, and joke about with comments like Seriously, why do you keep coming back? and Can't you see it's over, you stupid cow? It was hilarious, the longer we were together the more he'd do it," explained Ms Mills McCartney.

Her rebirthing therapist and yoga instructor, the de-lovely Sponge Girl, is not so sure the ex-Mrs McC has quite undestood what's going on. "It's a shame, Heather is usually such a level-headed girl. She's just not used to hearing 'no' from wealthy middle-aged men and is having some difficulty adjusting to this new situation," explained the sweet strumpet.

Ms Mills-McCartney laughed off the suggestion that the relationship is actually over: "Oh don't be silly, every couple has its own little quirks. Like Jude and Sienna and the whole shagging the staff-business. Whatever works, you know?"