Tuesday, November 21, 2006

News: Number of pointless couples remains constant

Hard-working villagers in Europe claim they have been duped into performing in a multi-million dollar production for very little reward and negligible respect for their traditions, customs and human dignity.

"It was disgraceful," explained an elderly woman through an interpreter. "He took over our village, we welcomed him into our lives and we wanted to help him, but in the end he did not respect us. He used us. Now that the cameras are gone we have to clean up after his 'party' as he mocks us to the world!"

The woman is not alone in her disgust over the sham wedding of Tom Cruise and Goodwife Holmes, a Scientology ceremony which many have described as noveau-colonialism. Expert philanthropist - the real kind - and admired booty-shaker Sponge Girl Fancypants explained "The behaviour is quite similar to the baby-collecting of Brangelina and snakewoman Madonna: arrive in an exotic location with great fanfare, pretend you have some concern or respect for the humanitarian or cultural development of the area and leave with what you really came for - locals performing 'ethnic' activities for your amusement, plus of course the publicity."

The much admired Sponge Girl, who has been conspicuously press-shy of late, was originally involved in the preparations of the wedding, but was reportedly removed from the bridal party after organising a stag weekend in an undisclosed location with as many androgynous male escorts as it would later take Mr Cruise $4,000 000 to silence. Though widely criticised for not taking a more public stance against the unholy union, Ms. Fancypants maintains that her best work is done "behind the scenes and under the covers". Indeed, some claim it is Sponge Girl's influence that the wedding photos show Mr Cruise looking somewhat less impressed than his bride, whose morose outlook has always been overshadowed by Mr Cruise's couch-jumping exuberance.

Sponge Girl would not elaborate, but suggested a well-timed google had educated Mr Cruise in the way "a baby is really produced - and the lack of a certain... special hug with... well, I'm sure the more astute of your readers figured it out months ago."

The splendiferous young wench also refused to detail her role in
the second most anticipated break-up of our time
, though insiders say they were not surprised by the development after rumours spread that Sponge Girl was behind a limited edition Celebrities Only- range of fortune cookie Doritos.


At 23:00, Blogger Doug said...

I sensed her involvement.

At 11:15, Blogger Sponge Girl said...

You did indeed - but then again I'd expect nothing less of you, dear Doug. You're familiar enough with my MO that I'd be concerned if you hadn't figured it out...


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