Russians, U.S. to Get Rid of Sponge Girl

The Russian Olympic Committee has called for the removal of Sponge Girl from the Olympic Village in Turin, where Sponge Girl was granted full access due to her dual role as the consultant choreographer for the Russian figure skating team and cheerleader for the Finnish curling team.

The Russian Olympic Committee has fired Sponge Girl, despite her hard work aiding Evgeni Plushenko towards a gold medal, due to eyewitness accounts of the little vixen spending a late night dancing rather close to the American figure skating talent Johnny Weir. The Russians are worried Weir may be trying to influence Sponge Girl into passing on poor advice to Russian skaters - somewhat late, some might say.

Bizzarely, the U.S. Olympic Commitee has also demanded Sponge Girl be asked to leave, fearing she may be influencing Mr Weir - and given his failure to achieve a medal the Americans are concerned the flirtatious starlet may already have wreaked havoc on the country's medal tally.

Mr Weir has taken his coaches' advice and declined to comment on the two countries' demands, though Sponge Girl has appeared unconcerned in interviews and didn't seem to think there was anything to fuss about: "Really, this sort of thing tends to happen to me, I've accepted that people tend to jump to conclusions. The thing is that Tinkerbelle and I have known each other since a drama camp in the mid-nineties and while I wouldn't say we're bosom buddies or anything, it is always nice to get together with people you know at an event like this."

Sponge Girl does not believe she will be expelled from the Olympic Village, either: "Of course it's upsetting that the Russian team don't really want me around anymore, but I've earned my place here and fortunately Markku (Uusipaavalniemi, or U15, captain of the Finnish curling team and vocal supporter of Sponge Girl) doesn't care about these sorts of rumours and understands that my ability to cheer isn't affected by my habit of hanging around guys in leotards."

There May Well Be A God: Sponge Girl

As rumours of Katie Holmes' and Tom Cruise' break-up spread, friends are reporting Sponge Girl to have acquired a shimmering aura, and a more peaceful, forgiving outlook on life.

"When she first heard about the split, she just looked so... happy. You know that bit in Blackadder where he tells the Prince Regent that he could never, ever be the Scarlet Pimpernel? And then Hugh Laurie does this insane, happy incredulous look? Well, that's what she looked like," explained Natalie Portman, who had been present during the revelation.

"Then there was, like, harp music, and then Sponge Girl spoke in what could have been Aramaic, but I'm not that good with languages, so it could just as easily have been early Greek".

Sponge Girl has reportedly been celebrating continuously since the news spread, curing lepers along the way. Though she has denied she believes there was any divine intervention in the break-up process, some sources claim that Sponge Girl herself may well be God, and all of humanity should bow down and thank her merciful grace for allowing the darkness to end.

It Wasn't My Fault: Sponge Girl

Sponge Girl has denied rumours that she was in fact the "Romanian singer" cited as the cause of Ralph Fiennes' and Francesca Annis' separation.

"Look, I don't know anything about their situation, I have had nothing to do with their... irreconcilable differences and I would really appreaciate it if you could just stop asking me about these things. I mean, first you come a-knockin' after Brad and Gwyneth split, then Natalie and Gael - now Ralph and Fran. I mean honestly, I'd have to be a pretty busy little girl if it was all my fault," commented the exasperated Sponge Girl.

"Next you'll be claiming the Melanie Griffiths-Antonio Banderas split was my fault!"

When a kindly photographer pointed out that Ms Griffiths and Mr Banderas had not in fact separated, Sponge Girl suddenly became evasive and mumbled: "Oh, right, of course. Just forget everything I said".

In unrelated news, Melanie Griffiths is said to have a contract out on Sponge Girl, although the claim has not been verified by Ms Griffiths' publicist or by Sponge Girl herself.

Katie Holmes As Health Spokesperson, Sponge Girl Runs For The Hills

Sponge Girl is said to have distanced herself from from the marriage of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise due to a bout of illness caused at least in part by Mr Cruise's ties to the occult. Sponge Girl may well count her blessings for having just missed Ms Holmes launching herself as a fashion designer and feminine hygiene spokesperson.

"Well, with Tom and me meeting millions of people a day and becoming all of their bestest friends we tend to know everything about everybody, and we've found out that women do not tend to floss their vaginas. We thought that was absolutely shocking and decided we needed to do something. Of course, Tom doesn't really like me doing things on my own, but since he doesn't have a damn clue about girlie bits I thought it was best I take the lead on this one. So, I've started my own brand of feminine hygiene products, CrackHappenings, and we're really hoping to make a splash".

The first product in the line, the VagWedge publicly sported by Ms Holmes, is available for $9.99 on the internet, or for free with a copy of a War of the Worlds DVD on Amazon. The product was originally intended to bear the slogan "Camp Cruise", although it was pulled at the last minute for concerns the phrase would cause confusion.

Celebrities such as Britney Spears and Tara Reid are already known to own a pair, and Mr Cruise is said to be doing all he can to have a pair included in every Oscar gala gift bag. "I'm fairly confident they'll do it. It's either that or I punch every single one of the non-believing suckbags," smiled the clearly insane Mr Cruise.