Friday, December 23, 2005

Kay Richardson Released, Sponge Girl Smiling

Observers have noted a significantly lighter step in the stride of Sponge Girl after the recent revelation that Kay Richardson is a free man.

Sponge Girl, who had been seen bursting into tears for no apparant reason during her friend's imprisonment, is said to have settled into her usual demeanor of sceptical enthusiasm and world-embracing frivolity due to the new development.

While Sponge Girl herself still won't comment directly on the behaviour that led to Mr. Richardson's arrest, friends say she is clearly relieved - although she seems to have simultaneously become fixated with catsuits.

Sponge Girl to Return to Studies!

Unlike Mary-Kate Olsen, Sponge Girl has announced that papers do indeed make her happy. According to reliable sources Sponge Girl has been offered a doctoral scholarship in a well-respected university and is said to be "thrilled".

"I have been looking forward to this for quite a long time and I think I'm in that phase of my life when I simply need to see how far I can stretch my analytical capabilitites, to see if I really can make a worthy contribution to academia. What can I say, I'm a bit of a perpetual student at heart and this news just tickles me pink".

Added Sponge Girl: "I can't believe I just used the phrase tickles me pink".

When asked if this meant Sponge Girl would be withdrawing from her stellar career of social commentary and writing, she replied "no, no - I'm a multi-tasker, honey. I'll be around".

Monday, December 19, 2005

Sponge Girl's Sister Steps Into The Limelight!

In a recent development Sponge Girl's younger sister, Mirri Perkele, has claimed her own slice of blogosphere. When asked if this meant Mirri, widely considered to be the cuter of the two, would be following her older sibling into an international career of do-gooderism and artistic excellence, Sponge Girl simply stated "I do not like to speculate on my sister's plans and aspirations. However, I do hope this means I get to bump in to her more often."

World media is waiting to see if this new development will lead the sisters into a Jessica/Ashlee Simpson- style skankfest.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Friend Of Sponge Girl Assaults Children!

Sponge Girl has become the sudden target of media attention as her close friend Kay Richardson, ant-hating philanderer and actor, has been arrested on assault charges. Mr Richardson is alleged to have thrown syringes at schoolchildren at a recent drug awareness event at St Dragonball's School For Wayward Boys.

Sponge Girl has declined to comment on her friend's inexplicable actions, merely shaking her head to curious reporters as she dashed into a taxi after her pottery class at a local community college. However an aide later released an official statement saying "Sponge Girl is certain there is some misunderstanding. She hopes Mr Richardson's name will be cleared and he may return to a life of art and debauchery as soon as possible".

An account of the puzzling incident can be found here.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Sponge Girl In Rehab!

According to The Sun Sponge Girl has recently admitted herself into a rehab clinic, although sources say the cause is not alcohol or drugs. It is alleged the cause for Sponge Girl's withdrawal from the public eye is due to "acute bewilderment". This, in turn, is said to be caused by sudden, repeated and uncontrollable exposure to a naked Professor Snape. A friend is known to have defended Sponge Girl by saying "You'd be shellshocked, too, if you had stumbled across PlayWitch completely by accident. And then, equally accidentally, set it as your homepage."

When asked to comment on his powerful effect on naive little starlets Professor Snape simply pierced into the reporter's soul with a smouldering gaze and walked away, his cloak billowing in the wind.

Monday, December 05, 2005

10 Things We All Love About Sponge Girl

Fans, friends and confidantes from around the world have sent in information on the alluring Sponge Girl. The ten most important bits of trivia relating to everyone's favourite Renaissance girl are:

1. Her full name is Spongebrain Fancypants, though she vastly prefers the more accessible Sponge Girl. Or Crouching Tiger, but that's another story.

2. Sponge Girl can't sing to save her life. That's why she turned down Paul McCartney's persistent requests for a duet, not because she has some deep animosity towards him on behalf of John Lennon. No matter what Yoko says.

3. Sponge Girl has a French exam in 15 days, and she is quivering of fear in her little red leather booties at the thought of it. I mean, what if she fails?

4. Sponge Girl doesn't fail. Sponge Girl simply "gives the other kids a chance".

5. French notwithstanding, Sponge Girl is multilingual. In fact, she's fluently bi-. Ha.

6. Sponge Girl is also really witty. Honest.

7. Sponge Girl prefers silence. That's why she makes such a rotten clubber.

8. Despite that, Sponge Girl knows what gaudeamus igitur, juvenes dum sumus means. And she means it when she says it.

9. Sponge Girl has a thing for musicals. And Leningrad Cowboys. And Freddie Mercury. Sponge Girl has had guitar lessons from Brian May.

10. Sponge Girl is enchanted by a healthy combination of biceps and a middle-class English accent.