Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Another Supercouple Emerges, Sponge Girl Rejoices

Speaking on behalf of all mankind, Sponge Girl has expressed her unbridled joy at the news that Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman - both close associates of the wonderfully wascally superstar - are dating.

"It's tremendous, it restores the balance to the universe. The unholy TomKat continues to shower the world with ignorance and stupidity, preparing for an allmighty showdown with the soul-achingly "humanitarian" Brangelina - and as has been foreseen, in their attempt to out-tabloid each other they will cause despair and destruction, killing about two thirds of the world's population. After the carnage, a couple of such overwhelming brilliance and kindness as Nat and Jake will be able to lead mankind to renewed civilisation, using their magnificent guiding tools of Ambiguous Sexuality and Universal Grammar," explained Sponge Girl.

"I think that's good enough news to warrant another chocolate biscuit, don't you?" she then suggested.

As a result today has been declared the International Have Another Chocolate Biscuit Day.

"Do it for your country," reminds Sponge Girl.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Sponge Girl: "In a fair fight, Latex will always beat Botox"

Packing away a well-worn party hat, philanthropist and special effects make-up artist Sponge Girl paused to contemplate the slowly winding down celebration following Finland's Eurovision victory on Saturday.

"It's been a wild ride, certainly... Not just because of Lordi, obviously, Silvia did her bit, too...", smiled Sponge Girl, referring to the highly-publicised confrontation between her and Iceland's answer to Ali G, who took out the frustration of her failed performance on the sweet starlet by sporadic attacks with a halibut, a move all remaining members of Monty Python's Flying Circus have condemned as "malicious fishmongering".

Despite being pursued by the attention-hungry Icelander, Sponge Girl did have the opportunity to party on down with monster rockers Lordi, who managed to single-handedly open up the possibility for something other than pointless ballads and white pants to feature in the monumental festival of kitsch: "The all-night Twister marathon was ace!".

Since first being spotted at the dress rehearsal, Sponge Girl has had to repeatedly deny being the unofficial make-up artist for Lordi, although it is no secret that her groundbreaking experimentation with latex and animal fur in her film student days (such as in the cult classic Flip The Pancake, Bitch) was an early influence of Mr Lordi.

Sponge Girl has not revealed her post-Eurovision plans, although there is some speculation that she will focus on trying to make sense of why, in the name of all things good and pure, women are so obsessed with Stavros Niarchos. Said the lovely little wench: "I just don't get it. Unicorn or no unicorn."

"I Don't See How It's Any Of Your Business": Sponge Girl, Sungai

Sponge Girl has lashed out against the Pope, causing all manner of hilarity around the world as good Catholics are unsure which one to love more.

The Pope, desperately trying to shake his reputation as being eeeevil, has caused shockwaves around the world by claiming Komodo dragon Sungai has been less than guarded with who she lets fertilise her eggs. The endagered animal has four new hatchlings of uncertain paternity, something which has drawn much criticism from the Catholic church. There is also a concern than the dragon ("a clear reference to the satan", the pontiff pointed out) is in fact the antichrist, copycatting the whole virgin birth-trick made famous in the best-seller The Bible.

Sponge Girl has called the Pope a "wanker doofus", an insult the starlet usually reserves only for Xenunian Tom Cruise. "These antiquated standards of morality have no place in modern society, and I believe Sungai has the right to lay her eggs wherever and whenever she pleases, and if it so happens that she's capable of cloning herself, then all power to her. "

U.S. President George W. Bush has condemned Sungai as a filthy liberal, making a short statement against any cloning whatsoever: "She wha...? Without a doozy-whatsit? Man, that's gross. It's somehow... French".

Sungai has declined to make a comment to the media, although it is rumoured that she may be appearing on Ellen soon.


As if the Pope being rude to Sungai wasn't enough, now God himself is dissing on Kay Richardson. I mean hey, where's the love?