Spongie to Lindsay, Paris and Britney: "Ew, that's disgusting - put that thing away!"

Sponge Girl has had to fend off allegations that she is losing her touch, and is no longer able to influence the hard partying vacuous classes. Concerned Women of America spokeswoman Marguerite Knickerbocker has attacked Ms Fancypants for not doing enough to stop the worrying trend of "lady bit"-flashing among some of the world's more desperate starlets.

"I find it really quite offensive that Sponge Girl would waste precious time trying to prevent a marriage - a marriage, people! - instead of using her influence to make people wear panties," explained Mrs Knickerbocker, referring to Ms Fancypants' well-recorded disdain for the Cruise-Holmes union.

Recently such young ladies as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have made a concerted effort to be photographed without the customary visual buffer of underpants. Paradoxically this increasingly popular behaviour involves complaining about paparazzi having no shame and wishing to be left alone, followed by chasing the poor camera-laden folk and later exposing oneself to them.

The phenomenon was first attributed to Ms Lohan, following her inspirational talk with Sharon Stone. As the stunt caused significant public interest in Ms Lohan, Paris Hilton in particular was known to be considering her options regarding increased publicity, a brainstorming session Sponge Girl was involved in.

However, in light of recent events it appears Sponge Girl's formerly outstanding talents of persuasion have failed her. Instead of the uncouth behaviour being limited to one starlet, it has been recognised as a useful publicity tool by celebrities with sagging careers, celebrities with no careers, and celebrities who really should be thinking of better ways to convince a judge to grant them custody of their children.

Sponge Girl appeared briefly to reporters in New York recently, announcing her displeasure about the trend. "I don't think anyone is more distraught by this than I am - I've been a firm believer in undergarments for several years now - and will do my very best to bring an end to this abomination. However, I would still like to make the point that for a breed of publicity-hungry halfwits, having this sort of reaction to their behaviour is exactly what they want. If you could just bring yourselves to not publish the photos - or to not 'click after the jump' - we'd have more of a chance of defeating this new evil," reminded the well-spoken sweetheart.

When asked of her strategy for defeating the trend, Sponge Girl stated: "Well, I think it's quite clear that someone like Paris or Britney would not be able to discover the awesome power of The Naked C by themselves - and to be honest I think with LiLo it was an accident to begin with as well - so the first thing to do will be to discover who managed to convince the girls to foresake their knickers, however small in the first place. I think once we discover who's behind this we can approach the whole scenario with a more informed action plan in mind. We'll also need to put Avril Lavigne on potential C-slip alert"

Since the press conference a bizarre twist has been discovered in the sorry saga. It appears that the cooter-flashing has been encouraged by Goodwife Cruise and her handler-husband Tom. The couple claim that the starlets' behaviour is due to the New Freedom- line of VagWedge, a line of feminine hygiene products designed by Mrs Cruise. "Regular use of the New Freedom VagWedge has the same effect as tooth whitening and regular flossing - it really does make your vertical smile brighter and wider!" enthused a CruiseCorp spokesperson.

Neither Sponge Girl nor Concerned Women for America have made additional comments after this new information came to light.

News: Number of pointless couples remains constant

Hard-working villagers in Europe claim they have been duped into performing in a multi-million dollar production for very little reward and negligible respect for their traditions, customs and human dignity.

"It was disgraceful," explained an elderly woman through an interpreter. "He took over our village, we welcomed him into our lives and we wanted to help him, but in the end he did not respect us. He used us. Now that the cameras are gone we have to clean up after his 'party' as he mocks us to the world!"

The woman is not alone in her disgust over the sham wedding of Tom Cruise and Goodwife Holmes, a Scientology ceremony which many have described as noveau-colonialism. Expert philanthropist - the real kind - and admired booty-shaker Sponge Girl Fancypants explained "The behaviour is quite similar to the baby-collecting of Brangelina and snakewoman Madonna: arrive in an exotic location with great fanfare, pretend you have some concern or respect for the humanitarian or cultural development of the area and leave with what you really came for - locals performing 'ethnic' activities for your amusement, plus of course the publicity."

The much admired Sponge Girl, who has been conspicuously press-shy of late, was originally involved in the preparations of the wedding, but was reportedly removed from the bridal party after organising a stag weekend in an undisclosed location with as many androgynous male escorts as it would later take Mr Cruise $4,000 000 to silence. Though widely criticised for not taking a more public stance against the unholy union, Ms. Fancypants maintains that her best work is done "behind the scenes and under the covers". Indeed, some claim it is Sponge Girl's influence that the wedding photos show Mr Cruise looking somewhat less impressed than his bride, whose morose outlook has always been overshadowed by Mr Cruise's couch-jumping exuberance.

Sponge Girl would not elaborate, but suggested a well-timed google had educated Mr Cruise in the way "a baby is really produced - and the lack of a certain... special hug with... well, I'm sure the more astute of your readers figured it out months ago."

The splendiferous young wench also refused to detail her role in
the second most anticipated break-up of our time, though insiders say they were not surprised by the development after rumours spread that Sponge Girl was behind a limited edition Celebrities Only- range of fortune cookie Doritos.

Spongie: "Who'd have thought?"

This has come as such a tremendous surprise to us all there's not really that much to say.

Be brave.