Thursday, March 23, 2006

Cartoon Whores Created; Sponge Girl Blamed

Having recently returned from her puppetry experience, Sponge Girl has now had to face the abomination that formed during her long absence from the public eye.

Paris and Nicky Hilton are due to feature in a cartoon dedicated to their vacuous lives. Child protection groups around the world have blamed Sponge Girl for not being there to prevent the creation of Cartoon Whores - a program which will undoubtedly damage children's development for several generations.

"I'm happy for her that she's been busy, and obviously Federwhatzisname dropped the charges and all that, but really there's no excuse for letting down the kids of the world," commented a placard-waving mother, who wished to remain anonymous.

Speaking on behalf of Sponge Girl, Natalie Portman commented: "It is awful, no doubt about it. I mean, calculated nip-slips and vaginal flashings just don't belong in kids' television. Spongie does feel that had she been alerted to the project earlier she could have prevented it somehow - maybe by slicing off Paris' annoying head - but in reality she can't be everywhere, and I don't think anyone would argue that she should have shunned her responsibility as chief puppeteer to kick some heiress butt. You can't just leave a project like that, and no-one but Spongie could make Sam "Da Man" Jackson sing in a falsetto, no-one."

When asked what Sponge Girl was planning now that the cartoon was already in production, Ms Portman replied: "Well, I can't give you the details, obviously, but if we can arrange for a South Park cross-over, and then close the portal before Paris and Nicky can return to their own world, we should be fine. Cartman would fuckin' eat them alive."

In other news, the Cartoon Whores characters will also star in the new line of VagWedge adverts, and in return the product will feature in the first episode of the controversial series - with an option for many more. According to Ms Holmes' and The Hiltons' spokespeople the close collaboration between the program and and the vaginal flossing device is a simple run-of-the-mill advertising excercise, and nothing to do with the lot of them being nuts.

10 Comments:

At 22:02, Blogger Sponge Girl said...

See, you still have your youthful innocence!

(next time I'll try to say that with a straight face)

 
At 05:26, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can so see this on the Treehouse network right before Dora the Explorer and after The Wiggles. Quality kids programming I tell you want.

"Mommy...what's a skanky ho?"
"Mommy...what's vaginal flossing?"
"Mommy...what's genital herpes?"
"Mommy? That's hot."

Ah yes...improving the minds of children around the world.

 
At 23:27, Blogger Mirri said...

Soon little girls weill be chasing boys around playgrounds trying to give them herpes instead of cooties.

Cuz that's hott.

 
At 13:19, Blogger C said...

maybe by slicing off Paris' annoying head

*snort!!!!!*

:o)

 
At 20:09, Blogger Sponge Girl said...

Oh yeah, you've thought of it, too.

 
At 03:54, Blogger Miz BoheMia said...

Paris Hilton?!?!? K-POW!

Bohemians abhor PH, ABHOR I SAY!

Oh Spongie, what is the world coming to? Is all our fighting losing ground to that? Oh my! This Ladee is feeling down!

Methinks me needs to whip some blond bimbo asses into oblivion! K-KISH and K-POW!!!

 
At 15:52, Blogger Jellyfish said...

Top work. And is Natalie a close friend of yours? I'm sure she has you to thank for all her cinematic success (and someone else entirely to thank for the Star Wars prequels).

thanks for visiting my site, by the way.

 
At 19:00, Blogger Sponge Girl said...

Perhaps it is just a test, MizB. Maybe truth and beauty will prevail.

After all, if the Empire hadn't taken over first, there would have been no original Star Wars and no Harrison Ford in tight pants. So darkness does serve a purpose sometimes, and when you look at it from that point of view, Palpatine isn't all bad.

Jellyfish - lovely to have you visit. Ass-kickance, to quote Mirri.

Natalie and I have a bit of an understanding, ever since that Brownie camp when we were six and our teddy bears won the consolation prize after all the other good prizes had been doled out.

That moment remains frozen in time, and ever since our young eyes met as we received the "tied 43rd runner-up!" ribbons we have known our lives would be eternally linked. I love her despite her dubious haircuts, she respects me for having the courage to binge on Pringles when I damn well want to.

And no matter how many Oscars she will win throughout her career, no matter how many knighthoods and professorships the world sees fit to bestow on me, we will always know that hidden under the many layers of exquisite curvitude and boundless talent live two girls with tinier teddies than Heather, Ginette and all the Jessicas in the world.

 
At 00:40, Blogger Leesa said...

I love this post. You are quite talented and funny!

 
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