Tom Cruise: Life-Sucking Idiot; Sponge Girl: Needs Happyplace

The upcoming Federline vs. Fancypants trial has been overshadowed in the press by reports that while Sponge Girl has stepped aside from planning the Cruise-Holmes sham wedding, she has not retired from being a vocal critic of Mr Cruise, or "insane little self-obsessed wanker-doofus", as his friends jovially refer to him.

An exasperated Sponge Girl has said she cannot understand why a previously sensible girl such as Ms Holmes could be so enamoured with a misogynistic prickhead.

"Look, women do occasionally fall for the wrong guy - I know that now I wouldn't spend a fortnight in the arms of Charlie Sheen, but at the time it seemed like a good idea - but that kind of lapse in judgement is only excusable if he's good-looking and you don't actually have any evidence of him smoking pot in the bathroom, just a hunch. But when the man of your dreams isn't even half as good-looking as, say, Jake Gyllenhaal - Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal! - and there are libraries devoted to his idiocies, and evidence-a-plenty that he just ain't worth it, sugar - well, then, I don't know what is wrong with you."

The visibly agitated Sponge Girl then closed her eyes and repeated a mantra that sounded something like oh my happyplace-welcome home mrs gyllenhaal-my happyplace-oh my happyplace-why thank you I would love some lemonade.

She continued her social commentary more relaxed, though still focussed on the topic at hand:

"What's most worrying is that this... "man" is airing some downright dangerous views on everything from sex to childbirth- as if he has a clue on either! I'd like to see Tom not scream when eight pounds of alien baby is extracted from any one of his orifices*. And what kind of a sick perverted little monkey bans a hormonally charged woman from having sex for nine months? That's right, an bad sick perverted little monkey. And I hope all you ladies who love Scientologists are paying very close attention to how this sex ban only applies to the mother-to-be. Think about it."

When asked what she felt could be done to help Ms Holmes, Sponge Girl sighed. "There's only so much you can do. I've talked to her, I've shown her the magazine clippings, I've had her read Nicole Kidman's diary, I've introduced her to Jake Gyllenhaal - Jake Gyllenhaal, people! A nice, non-crazy person! - to Cillian Murphy, to Zach Braff... the list goes on. I've arranged for a naked Christian Bale to await her at home, I've kidnapped and beaten her and pinned it on Tom - and she doesn't even bat an eyelid. No, I think I will have to accept that she is beyond help - the best I can do is keep the rest of the world informed so that no other publicity hungry young wenches, desperate to make the change from TV girl next door to blockbuster babe, won't succumb to this sort of an arrangement. Well, except for the Olsen Twins. Those bobblehead bitches can marry whichever nutcase they want."

*Interesting side note - while according to current scientific knowledge Tom Cruise lacks a vagina, he does possess two, how shall we put this, a-holes. Guess where!