Katie Holmes As Health Spokesperson, Sponge Girl Runs For The Hills

Sponge Girl is said to have distanced herself from from the marriage of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise due to a bout of illness caused at least in part by Mr Cruise's ties to the occult. Sponge Girl may well count her blessings for having just missed Ms Holmes launching herself as a fashion designer and feminine hygiene spokesperson.

"Well, with Tom and me meeting millions of people a day and becoming all of their bestest friends we tend to know everything about everybody, and we've found out that women do not tend to floss their vaginas. We thought that was absolutely shocking and decided we needed to do something. Of course, Tom doesn't really like me doing things on my own, but since he doesn't have a damn clue about girlie bits I thought it was best I take the lead on this one. So, I've started my own brand of feminine hygiene products, CrackHappenings, and we're really hoping to make a splash".

The first product in the line, the VagWedge publicly sported by Ms Holmes, is available for $9.99 on the internet, or for free with a copy of a War of the Worlds DVD on Amazon. The product was originally intended to bear the slogan "Camp Cruise", although it was pulled at the last minute for concerns the phrase would cause confusion.

Celebrities such as Britney Spears and Tara Reid are already known to own a pair, and Mr Cruise is said to be doing all he can to have a pair included in every Oscar gala gift bag. "I'm fairly confident they'll do it. It's either that or I punch every single one of the non-believing suckbags," smiled the clearly insane Mr Cruise.