Sponge Girl Changed My Life: Paris

First Tom Cruise admitted he may not have all the answers to the mysteries of the Universe, then Madonna denounced Kabbalah and apologised for being such a self-important pretentious git all these years. Now Paris Hilton has joined the ranks of previously annoying celebrities who have taken the first steps towards likeability - and all thanks to Sponge Girl.

A clearly embarrassed Ms Hilton commented "Before the development of our friendship I - can you believe it? - I had no idea what a complete skank I was". Shaking her head in despair, Hilton added "To think it took me over twenty years to discover subtitled films! And tops that cover my midriff!"

Ms Hilton also spoke about her shock decision to join forces with Victoria Beckham and Hilary Duff on a half-year expedition into the heart of Sumatran jungle where the group will aid in rehabilitating captive orang utans into the wild. "Well, we were having a chat over a couple of chai teas and it turned out we'd all been talking to Sponge Girl - and gotten the same advice: to just get over ourselves and do something useful for a change. And we though 'heck, we'll do it'".

Hilton admitted to having had very little information on the subject at the time of their decision, but is now "quite looking forward to not having toilet paper for a full six months!"

Sponge Girl Not Such A Nice Person After All: Friend

It has come to our attention that Sponge Girl - lauded author, trendsetter, linguist and humanitarian - may not be, in the words of a close friend: "all that fantastic".

The friend, who did not want to be identified, has accused Sponge Girl of being "a snooty cow". In addition the friend, who had consulted a random and representative sample of unnamed objective persons, argued that most people believed Sponge Girl had only been successful "'cause she's got big breasts - I mean, c'mon?!".

The friend also expressed fury over Sponge Girl blatantly ignoring her at a recent birthday party: "she was just like 'yeah, we did Classical Languages together in first year, right?', and then a beeline to the bowl of Cheezels". Added the friend: "How rude can you get?"

Sponge Girl was not available for comment.

Sponge Girl Implicated in Weekend Punch-Up!

The literary world's sweetheart, Sponge Girl, whose forays into the worlds of both adult and children's fantasy writing have earnt her numerous awards and the respect and admiration of such literary luminaries as Andrei Makine and Salman Rushdie, has been named as the cause of the schocking fight scene at the Cannes film festival over the weekend.

The incident, now known as the "Gentlemen's argument" made headlines all around the world as Gabriel Byrne, Jeremy Irons and Alan Rickman - all known for their cool tempers and exquisite behaviour - began fighting in what was at the time thought to be a drunken brawl. It has since emerged that the well-respected actors were in fact attempting to take each other out of competition for a role in a film based on Sponge Girl's latest book. The film is to be directed by Tim Burton and will feature Sponge Girl in a minor part, with Kate Winslet taking the female lead.

Mr Irons was heard crying in an exlusive hospital, where he is being treated for two fractured ribs, explaining to what eye witnesses claim was a very angry wife, that "I only wanted to meet her!". The two other gentlemen involved in the incident, Byrne suffering a broken wrist and Rickman surviving relatively unscathed, have been known to make similar comments.

"I must say I can't blame them", commented Orlando Bloom, who witnessed the fight. "Of course I don't know her well, but in our brief meeting (at The Corpse Bride premiere) I must say I felt her to be a thoroughly enchanting girl, and well worth fighting for". Gael Garcia Bernal, also present, seemed to agree, but lapsed into such a passionate Spanish soliloqui it was impossible to discover his precise meaning.

Sponge Girl herself seemed thoroughly regretful about the incident. Returning from a dinner celebrating her fiance's fencing World Cup victory (full story on page 24), she wished all three a quick recovery. Smiling in her trademark charming fashion, the beautiful young woman did not comment on whether she would visit the quarrelling threesome to mend their relationship, though sources close to her believe "it is highly likely, given the immensely benevolent nature of that girl". -Reuters