Spongie to Lindsay, Paris and Britney: "Ew, that's disgusting - put that thing away!"

Sponge Girl has had to fend off allegations that she is losing her touch, and is no longer able to influence the hard partying vacuous classes. Concerned Women of America spokeswoman Marguerite Knickerbocker has attacked Ms Fancypants for not doing enough to stop the worrying trend of "lady bit"-flashing among some of the world's more desperate starlets.

"I find it really quite offensive that Sponge Girl would waste precious time trying to prevent a marriage - a marriage, people! - instead of using her influence to make people wear panties," explained Mrs Knickerbocker, referring to Ms Fancypants' well-recorded disdain for the Cruise-Holmes union.

Recently such young ladies as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have made a concerted effort to be photographed without the customary visual buffer of underpants. Paradoxically this increasingly popular behaviour involves complaining about paparazzi having no shame and wishing to be left alone, followed by chasing the poor camera-laden folk and later exposing oneself to them.

The phenomenon was first attributed to Ms Lohan, following her inspirational talk with Sharon Stone. As the stunt caused significant public interest in Ms Lohan, Paris Hilton in particular was known to be considering her options regarding increased publicity, a brainstorming session Sponge Girl was involved in.

However, in light of recent events it appears Sponge Girl's formerly outstanding talents of persuasion have failed her. Instead of the uncouth behaviour being limited to one starlet, it has been recognised as a useful publicity tool by celebrities with sagging careers, celebrities with no careers, and celebrities who really should be thinking of better ways to convince a judge to grant them custody of their children.

Sponge Girl appeared briefly to reporters in New York recently, announcing her displeasure about the trend. "I don't think anyone is more distraught by this than I am - I've been a firm believer in undergarments for several years now - and will do my very best to bring an end to this abomination. However, I would still like to make the point that for a breed of publicity-hungry halfwits, having this sort of reaction to their behaviour is exactly what they want. If you could just bring yourselves to not publish the photos - or to not 'click after the jump' - we'd have more of a chance of defeating this new evil," reminded the well-spoken sweetheart.

When asked of her strategy for defeating the trend, Sponge Girl stated: "Well, I think it's quite clear that someone like Paris or Britney would not be able to discover the awesome power of The Naked C by themselves - and to be honest I think with LiLo it was an accident to begin with as well - so the first thing to do will be to discover who managed to convince the girls to foresake their knickers, however small in the first place. I think once we discover who's behind this we can approach the whole scenario with a more informed action plan in mind. We'll also need to put Avril Lavigne on potential C-slip alert"

Since the press conference a bizarre twist has been discovered in the sorry saga. It appears that the cooter-flashing has been encouraged by Goodwife Cruise and her handler-husband Tom. The couple claim that the starlets' behaviour is due to the New Freedom- line of VagWedge, a line of feminine hygiene products designed by Mrs Cruise. "Regular use of the New Freedom VagWedge has the same effect as tooth whitening and regular flossing - it really does make your vertical smile brighter and wider!" enthused a CruiseCorp spokesperson.

Neither Sponge Girl nor Concerned Women for America have made additional comments after this new information came to light.

News: Number of pointless couples remains constant

Hard-working villagers in Europe claim they have been duped into performing in a multi-million dollar production for very little reward and negligible respect for their traditions, customs and human dignity.

"It was disgraceful," explained an elderly woman through an interpreter. "He took over our village, we welcomed him into our lives and we wanted to help him, but in the end he did not respect us. He used us. Now that the cameras are gone we have to clean up after his 'party' as he mocks us to the world!"

The woman is not alone in her disgust over the sham wedding of Tom Cruise and Goodwife Holmes, a Scientology ceremony which many have described as noveau-colonialism. Expert philanthropist - the real kind - and admired booty-shaker Sponge Girl Fancypants explained "The behaviour is quite similar to the baby-collecting of Brangelina and snakewoman Madonna: arrive in an exotic location with great fanfare, pretend you have some concern or respect for the humanitarian or cultural development of the area and leave with what you really came for - locals performing 'ethnic' activities for your amusement, plus of course the publicity."

The much admired Sponge Girl, who has been conspicuously press-shy of late, was originally involved in the preparations of the wedding, but was reportedly removed from the bridal party after organising a stag weekend in an undisclosed location with as many androgynous male escorts as it would later take Mr Cruise $4,000 000 to silence. Though widely criticised for not taking a more public stance against the unholy union, Ms. Fancypants maintains that her best work is done "behind the scenes and under the covers". Indeed, some claim it is Sponge Girl's influence that the wedding photos show Mr Cruise looking somewhat less impressed than his bride, whose morose outlook has always been overshadowed by Mr Cruise's couch-jumping exuberance.

Sponge Girl would not elaborate, but suggested a well-timed google had educated Mr Cruise in the way "a baby is really produced - and the lack of a certain... special hug with... well, I'm sure the more astute of your readers figured it out months ago."

The splendiferous young wench also refused to detail her role in
the second most anticipated break-up of our time, though insiders say they were not surprised by the development after rumours spread that Sponge Girl was behind a limited edition Celebrities Only- range of fortune cookie Doritos.

Spongie: "Who'd have thought?"

This has come as such a tremendous surprise to us all there's not really that much to say.

Be brave.

Sponge Girl: "Not the pigeons!"

According to insiders, a furious Paris Hilton has accused everyone's favourite philanthropist, the adora-cute Sponge Girl, of attempting to destroy her credibility in polite society. Ms Hilton is said to be upset by Sponge Girl forwarding her outfit ideas to costume party host Sir Richard Branson. Another guest, who did not want to be identified, explained: "As if Paris hadn't been mortified enough about being denied entry to Prince William's private loo, she suddenly realised there are dozens of other young strumpets dressed as Alice, specifically on Branson's orders , and they all have better hair than her!"

It is understood that Ms Hilton, fearing that Lindsay Lohan may have cornered the hoo-hah flashing niche, sought Sponge Girl's counsel to discover a newer, edgier activity she could make her own and even trademark. In the course of the conversation Ms Hilton revealed her intentions of stealing the limelight at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party by turning up as Alice. Sponge Girl, however, denies forwarding the information to the billionaire host: "Look, she scribbled Tell everyone to call me Alice - I wanna stay in chara..ca..ture (sic) on the RSVP card, not much I can do about that. Besides, I don't think that's even the reason Richard decided to play with her a bit - I think he was more upset at her stapling the rsvp to the carrier pigeon instead of using the ribbon like everyone else."

The author/style guru/celebrity pie-thrower said she was not concerned of any angry reprisals from Ms Hilton: "She's yet to figure out the differences between a snail mail and an email address, and I have caller I.D., so I can't say I'm worried."

Sponge Girl: That's right, Heather, so long as you believe that

In a sad display of denial, Heather Mills McCartney believes Sir Paul changing the locks on her was just a silly misunderstanding, and nothing to do with the fact that the former Beatle hates her gold-digging guts.

"He used to do this all the time, it was like I'd never know whether I'd be able to get in to the house or not. Then I'd, you know, scale the fence - challenge and a half, I can tell you that! - throw a garden gnome through a window and ta-DA, home sweet home. Paul would always look so stunned, then do this really cute tired-of-life- sort of look, and joke about with comments like Seriously, why do you keep coming back? and Can't you see it's over, you stupid cow? It was hilarious, the longer we were together the more he'd do it," explained Ms Mills McCartney.

Her rebirthing therapist and yoga instructor, the de-lovely Sponge Girl, is not so sure the ex-Mrs McC has quite undestood what's going on. "It's a shame, Heather is usually such a level-headed girl. She's just not used to hearing 'no' from wealthy middle-aged men and is having some difficulty adjusting to this new situation," explained the sweet strumpet.

Ms Mills-McCartney laughed off the suggestion that the relationship is actually over: "Oh don't be silly, every couple has its own little quirks. Like Jude and Sienna and the whole shagging the staff-business. Whatever works, you know?"

Walliams: Overlord of the Universe?

Sponge Girl, domestic goddess and pop icon, has congratulated actor David Walliams for being the coolest person alive. She reported that Walliams, who recently swam the English Channel in excellent time for the benefit of charity, was "probably the most magnificent person, like, ever".

"Of course, we've known each other for a long time - ever since the year 2000 Dover Celebrity Bake-a-thon, I think. We've never been really close, but we're on each other's Christmas card list, you know, and obviously he's the first person I turn to for stain removal tips. But even for all his well-recorded magnificence, I never thought he'd be able to do this. I'm really going to be pushing for having him made the Overlord of the Universe for this, and I hope I can get as many supporters as possible," enthused the pixieish vixen.

The Overlord of the Universe is of course a so-far nonexistent position, but Sponge Girl is hoping to create it before Tom Cruise thinks to appropriate the idea.

Mr Walliams commented only briefly, saying: "I'm quite flattered. But can you tell her to stop borrowing my shoes? My feet are really cold."

Sponge Girl: New Thinker On The Block

The delightfully clever Sponge Girl has broken her long silence on the role of the "public intellectual", so popular in France but less respected elsewhere in the world.

"I think the problem with that institution has been that a lot of the opinions, philosophies and theories voiced by intellectuals have been out of touch with the views of the public for a long time - obviously I'm not saying it's a good thing, knowledge levels aren't what they used to be and that's not the intellectuals' fault - but I finally have a feeling that the good old days, when theories were relevant to the everyman, may well be returning," she said.

Sponge Girl is referring to newly discovered philosopher, Tiger Wren, who seems poised to lead a new generation into the exciting world of critical thinking and the occasional burst of nihilism.

"His ability to reduce complex ideas - love, death and so on - to their most basic elements, namely noodles, means he is able to speak to the people, without artifice, without pretense. I truly believe that his example will see many more young people taking interest in the world around them. This brave young man has in only a few words done more than Foucault ever could: he has made people care," elaborated Sponge Girl.

Tiger Wren was not available for comment, but his mother was heard to say "What's this I hear about chocolate bicuits?".

Another Supercouple Emerges, Sponge Girl Rejoices

Speaking on behalf of all mankind, Sponge Girl has expressed her unbridled joy at the news that Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman - both close associates of the wonderfully wascally superstar - are dating.

"It's tremendous, it restores the balance to the universe. The unholy TomKat continues to shower the world with ignorance and stupidity, preparing for an allmighty showdown with the soul-achingly "humanitarian" Brangelina - and as has been foreseen, in their attempt to out-tabloid each other they will cause despair and destruction, killing about two thirds of the world's population. After the carnage, a couple of such overwhelming brilliance and kindness as Nat and Jake will be able to lead mankind to renewed civilisation, using their magnificent guiding tools of Ambiguous Sexuality and Universal Grammar," explained Sponge Girl.

"I think that's good enough news to warrant another chocolate biscuit, don't you?" she then suggested.

As a result today has been declared the International Have Another Chocolate Biscuit Day.

"Do it for your country," reminds Sponge Girl.

Sponge Girl: "In a fair fight, Latex will always beat Botox"

Packing away a well-worn party hat, philanthropist and special effects make-up artist Sponge Girl paused to contemplate the slowly winding down celebration following Finland's Eurovision victory on Saturday.

"It's been a wild ride, certainly... Not just because of Lordi, obviously, Silvia did her bit, too...", smiled Sponge Girl, referring to the highly-publicised confrontation between her and Iceland's answer to Ali G, who took out the frustration of her failed performance on the sweet starlet by sporadic attacks with a halibut, a move all remaining members of Monty Python's Flying Circus have condemned as "malicious fishmongering".

Despite being pursued by the attention-hungry Icelander, Sponge Girl did have the opportunity to party on down with monster rockers Lordi, who managed to single-handedly open up the possibility for something other than pointless ballads and white pants to feature in the monumental festival of kitsch: "The all-night Twister marathon was ace!".

Since first being spotted at the dress rehearsal, Sponge Girl has had to repeatedly deny being the unofficial make-up artist for Lordi, although it is no secret that her groundbreaking experimentation with latex and animal fur in her film student days (such as in the cult classic Flip The Pancake, Bitch) was an early influence of Mr Lordi.

Sponge Girl has not revealed her post-Eurovision plans, although there is some speculation that she will focus on trying to make sense of why, in the name of all things good and pure, women are so obsessed with Stavros Niarchos. Said the lovely little wench: "I just don't get it. Unicorn or no unicorn."

"I Don't See How It's Any Of Your Business": Sponge Girl, Sungai

Sponge Girl has lashed out against the Pope, causing all manner of hilarity around the world as good Catholics are unsure which one to love more.

The Pope, desperately trying to shake his reputation as being eeeevil, has caused shockwaves around the world by claiming Komodo dragon Sungai has been less than guarded with who she lets fertilise her eggs. The endagered animal has four new hatchlings of uncertain paternity, something which has drawn much criticism from the Catholic church. There is also a concern than the dragon ("a clear reference to the satan", the pontiff pointed out) is in fact the antichrist, copycatting the whole virgin birth-trick made famous in the best-seller The Bible.

Sponge Girl has called the Pope a "wanker doofus", an insult the starlet usually reserves only for Xenunian Tom Cruise. "These antiquated standards of morality have no place in modern society, and I believe Sungai has the right to lay her eggs wherever and whenever she pleases, and if it so happens that she's capable of cloning herself, then all power to her. "

U.S. President George W. Bush has condemned Sungai as a filthy liberal, making a short statement against any cloning whatsoever: "She wha...? Without a doozy-whatsit? Man, that's gross. It's somehow... French".

Sungai has declined to make a comment to the media, although it is rumoured that she may be appearing on Ellen soon.

ADDENDUM:

As if the Pope being rude to Sungai wasn't enough, now God himself is dissing on Kay Richardson. I mean hey, where's the love?