But What About Baby Shields?:Sponge Girl

Sponge Girl has made an impassioned plea to UNICEF and the CIA, demanding action be taken due to the arrival of "cruise-baby" Suri.

"First of all, the child's name is the imperfect tense, in third person singular, of the Finnish verb to mourn. And if that isn't evidence enough, it can't be any coincidence that Brooke Shields gave birth to a baby girl the very same day Katie Holmes' pillow is supposed to have morphed into a - du-du-DUM! - baby girl."

Brooke Shields was famously attacked by Tom Cruise for basically being a non-crazy perfectly normal human being after the birth of her first child, and there had been some speculation of Cruise interfering with Shields' new pregnancy. Sponge Girl is the first one, though, to suggest that Ms Holmes' pregnancy had been concocted to mirror Ms Shields' one, so a crafty babynapping could take place.

"You know, like those crazy people who start kidnapping babies so they can convince their deadbeat boyfriends to stay with them 'cause they're a family now? Yeah, like that, but the 'boyfriend' here is the public, and 'crazy person' is Tom Cruise," elaborated Sponge Girl.

ADDENDUM:

As if Sponge Girl's linguistically genious, grammatically correct observations on the poor kid's name are not enough...

In extra special news comes this little tidbit about how - even if you're perfectly happy to make up horse shit about psychology, medication and sex - you should always do your research when you're naming "your" baby. But surely Mr Cruise will have a perfect come-back to the so-called "linguists". After all, how can you claim to know anything if you don't believe deep-fried aliens inhabit your body?

Sponge Girl Protests, Britney "Mothers"

Sponge Girl has staged a midnight vigil outside Britney Spears' house in Los Angeles after it was revealed that neither Britney nor her partner Kevin Fuggerline had noticed their son Sean had had a fractured skull for six days. Sponge Girl started the vigil together with Natalie Portman, beloved superwoman who used the time to also become fluent in Norwegian, and the twosome were joined during the night by approximately seven hundred people, including Cameron Diaz, the Wiggles and a busload of tourists who though they were waiting for David Hasselhoff.

When asked what she felt was the best course of action to safeguard young Sean, Sponge Girl could not offer a definitive answer: "You see, unless Cletus and Brandine here clean up their act someone would have to adopt him - and since Angelina is to our best knowledge carrying a Caucasian child she already has a complete set. The only other alternative for leaving the child with these two is even more frightening... "

While Sponge Girl refused to elaborate, Ms Portman choked back tears as she explained the only other alternative: "Tom and Katie. I think it's pretty obvious that she's not really pregnant , so they will need a real baby pretty damn quick. The consequences are just too horrific to contemplate. So that's why we're here - we're not trying to take the kid away from her, we know there is a greater evil out there waiting to get its hands on him. We just want her to wake up and smell the Cheetos. Look after your child, girl. Protect him from He Of Couch-Jumping Fame."

In other news, Tom Cruise is said to be campaigning for having Sean removed from Britney's and Kevin's custody. "It's time someone who's not living in fantasyland, someone who has a new movie out, to care for that child," reported Mr Cruise's aide.

Sharon Stone: "But What About Me?"

Sharon Stone, most famous for allowing bloggers the chance to gratuitously use the word 'cooter' , has lashed out at Sponge Girl for ignoring her at numerous functions, and for not making a public statement against her.

"I mean, really, how can I possibly keep building my reputation as a try-hard hypersexual snakewoman if people don't talk about me? Sure, she'll comment on Tom Cruise and his crimes against humanity - and don't even get me started on the Hilton Copycat Parade - but when someone really needs the column centimetres the bitch blanks me. "

In response Sponge Girl commented that "The world's changed, pumpkin. Flashing one's naughty bits in a movie ain't all that shocking these days - I mean hey, Lindsay Lohan did it at a kids' show, so that's your first clue that it ain't exactly hardcore anymore."

After being shown images of the pitiable state Ms Stone wallowed in these days, Sponge Girl's cold heart softened, and she agreed to make the following comment:

"Fine. Sharon Stone, you're a lousy mother, a haggard has-been and to be quite honest, the cooter schtick is starting to wear a bit thin. Happy? You owe me one."

After hearing Sponge Girl's comments, Ms Stone was filled with righteous fury, and promptly flashed her cooter at a five-year-old.