The Amazing Adventures of Sponge Girl

Spongie to Lindsay, Paris and Britney: "Ew, that's disgusting - put that thing away!"

2006-11-30T09:56:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl has had to fend off allegations that she is losing her touch, and is no longer able to influence the hard partying vacuous classes. Concerned Women of America spokeswoman Marguerite Knickerbocker has attacked Ms Fancypants for not doing enough to stop the worrying trend of "lady bit"-flashing among some of the world's more desperate starlets.

"I find it really quite offensive that Sponge Girl would waste precious time trying to prevent a marriage - a marriage, people! - instead of using her influence to make people wear panties," explained Mrs Knickerbocker, referring to Ms Fancypants' well-recorded disdain for the Cruise-Holmes union.

Recently such young ladies as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have made a concerted effort to be photographed without the customary visual buffer of underpants. Paradoxically this increasingly popular behaviour involves complaining about paparazzi having no shame and wishing to be left alone, followed by chasing the poor camera-laden folk and later exposing oneself to them.

The phenomenon was first attributed to Ms Lohan, following her inspirational talk with Sharon Stone. As the stunt caused significant public interest in Ms Lohan, Paris Hilton in particular was known to be considering her options regarding increased publicity, a brainstorming session Sponge Girl was involved in.

However, in light of recent events it appears Sponge Girl's formerly outstanding talents of persuasion have failed her. Instead of the uncouth behaviour being limited to one starlet, it has been recognised as a useful publicity tool by celebrities with sagging careers, celebrities with no careers, and celebrities who really should be thinking of better ways to convince a judge to grant them custody of their children.

Sponge Girl appeared briefly to reporters in New York recently, announcing her displeasure about the trend. "I don't think anyone is more distraught by this than I am - I've been a firm believer in undergarments for several years now - and will do my very best to bring an end to this abomination. However, I would still like to make the point that for a breed of publicity-hungry halfwits, having this sort of reaction to their behaviour is exactly what they want. If you could just bring yourselves to not publish the photos - or to not 'click after the jump' - we'd have more of a chance of defeating this new evil," reminded the well-spoken sweetheart.

When asked of her strategy for defeating the trend, Sponge Girl stated: "Well, I think it's quite clear that someone like Paris or Britney would not be able to discover the awesome power of The Naked C by themselves - and to be honest I think with LiLo it was an accident to begin with as well - so the first thing to do will be to discover who managed to convince the girls to foresake their knickers, however small in the first place. I think once we discover who's behind this we can approach the whole scenario with a more informed action plan in mind. We'll also need to put Avril Lavigne on potential C-slip alert"

Since the press conference a bizarre twist has been discovered in the sorry saga. It appears that the cooter-flashing has been encouraged by Goodwife Cruise and her handler-husband Tom. The couple claim that the starlets' behaviour is due to the New Freedom- line of VagWedge, a line of feminine hygiene products designed by Mrs Cruise. "Regular use of the New Freedom VagWedge has the same effect as tooth whitening and regular flossing - it really does make your vertical smile brighter and wider!" enthused a CruiseCorp spokesperson.

Neither Sponge Girl nor Concerned Women for America have made additional comments after this new information came to light.

News: Number of pointless couples remains constant

2006-11-21T10:54:00.000+08:00

Hard-working villagers in Europe claim they have been duped into performing in a multi-million dollar production for very little reward and negligible respect for their traditions, customs and human dignity.

"It was disgraceful," explained an elderly woman through an interpreter. "He took over our village, we welcomed him into our lives and we wanted to help him, but in the end he did not respect us. He used us. Now that the cameras are gone we have to clean up after his 'party' as he mocks us to the world!"

The woman is not alone in her disgust over the sham wedding of Tom Cruise and Goodwife Holmes, a Scientology ceremony which many have described as noveau-colonialism. Expert philanthropist - the real kind - and admired booty-shaker Sponge Girl Fancypants explained "The behaviour is quite similar to the baby-collecting of Brangelina and snakewoman Madonna: arrive in an exotic location with great fanfare, pretend you have some concern or respect for the humanitarian or cultural development of the area and leave with what you really came for - locals performing 'ethnic' activities for your amusement, plus of course the publicity."

The much admired Sponge Girl, who has been conspicuously press-shy of late, was originally involved in the preparations of the wedding, but was reportedly removed from the bridal party after organising a stag weekend in an undisclosed location with as many androgynous male escorts as it would later take Mr Cruise $4,000 000 to silence. Though widely criticised for not taking a more public stance against the unholy union, Ms. Fancypants maintains that her best work is done "behind the scenes and under the covers". Indeed, some claim it is Sponge Girl's influence that the wedding photos show Mr Cruise looking somewhat less impressed than his bride, whose morose outlook has always been overshadowed by Mr Cruise's couch-jumping exuberance.

Sponge Girl would not elaborate, but suggested a well-timed google had educated Mr Cruise in the way "a baby is really produced - and the lack of a certain... special hug with... well, I'm sure the more astute of your readers figured it out months ago."

The splendiferous young wench also refused to detail her role in
the second most anticipated break-up of our time, though insiders say they were not surprised by the development after rumours spread that Sponge Girl was behind a limited edition Celebrities Only- range of fortune cookie Doritos.

Spongie: "Who'd have thought?"

2006-11-08T14:24:00.000+08:00

This has come as such a tremendous surprise to us all there's not really that much to say.

Be brave.

Sponge Girl: "Not the pigeons!"

2006-09-14T16:00:00.001+08:00

According to insiders, a furious Paris Hilton has accused everyone's favourite philanthropist, the adora-cute Sponge Girl, of attempting to destroy her credibility in polite society. Ms Hilton is said to be upset by Sponge Girl forwarding her outfit ideas to costume party host Sir Richard Branson. Another guest, who did not want to be identified, explained: "As if Paris hadn't been mortified enough about being denied entry to Prince William's private loo, she suddenly realised there are dozens of other young strumpets dressed as Alice, specifically on Branson's orders , and they all have better hair than her!"

It is understood that Ms Hilton, fearing that Lindsay Lohan may have cornered the hoo-hah flashing niche, sought Sponge Girl's counsel to discover a newer, edgier activity she could make her own and even trademark. In the course of the conversation Ms Hilton revealed her intentions of stealing the limelight at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party by turning up as Alice. Sponge Girl, however, denies forwarding the information to the billionaire host: "Look, she scribbled Tell everyone to call me Alice - I wanna stay in chara..ca..ture (sic) on the RSVP card, not much I can do about that. Besides, I don't think that's even the reason Richard decided to play with her a bit - I think he was more upset at her stapling the rsvp to the carrier pigeon instead of using the ribbon like everyone else."

The author/style guru/celebrity pie-thrower said she was not concerned of any angry reprisals from Ms Hilton: "She's yet to figure out the differences between a snail mail and an email address, and I have caller I.D., so I can't say I'm worried."

Sponge Girl: That's right, Heather, so long as you believe that

2006-08-09T20:14:00.000+08:00

In a sad display of denial, Heather Mills McCartney believes Sir Paul changing the locks on her was just a silly misunderstanding, and nothing to do with the fact that the former Beatle hates her gold-digging guts.

"He used to do this all the time, it was like I'd never know whether I'd be able to get in to the house or not. Then I'd, you know, scale the fence - challenge and a half, I can tell you that! - throw a garden gnome through a window and ta-DA, home sweet home. Paul would always look so stunned, then do this really cute tired-of-life- sort of look, and joke about with comments like Seriously, why do you keep coming back? and Can't you see it's over, you stupid cow? It was hilarious, the longer we were together the more he'd do it," explained Ms Mills McCartney.

Her rebirthing therapist and yoga instructor, the de-lovely Sponge Girl, is not so sure the ex-Mrs McC has quite undestood what's going on. "It's a shame, Heather is usually such a level-headed girl. She's just not used to hearing 'no' from wealthy middle-aged men and is having some difficulty adjusting to this new situation," explained the sweet strumpet.

Ms Mills-McCartney laughed off the suggestion that the relationship is actually over: "Oh don't be silly, every couple has its own little quirks. Like Jude and Sienna and the whole shagging the staff-business. Whatever works, you know?"

Walliams: Overlord of the Universe?

2006-07-08T17:27:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl, domestic goddess and pop icon, has congratulated actor David Walliams for being the coolest person alive. She reported that Walliams, who recently swam the English Channel in excellent time for the benefit of charity, was "probably the most magnificent person, like, ever".

"Of course, we've known each other for a long time - ever since the year 2000 Dover Celebrity Bake-a-thon, I think. We've never been really close, but we're on each other's Christmas card list, you know, and obviously he's the first person I turn to for stain removal tips. But even for all his well-recorded magnificence, I never thought he'd be able to do this. I'm really going to be pushing for having him made the Overlord of the Universe for this, and I hope I can get as many supporters as possible," enthused the pixieish vixen.

The Overlord of the Universe is of course a so-far nonexistent position, but Sponge Girl is hoping to create it before Tom Cruise thinks to appropriate the idea.

Mr Walliams commented only briefly, saying: "I'm quite flattered. But can you tell her to stop borrowing my shoes? My feet are really cold."

Sponge Girl: New Thinker On The Block

2006-06-08T13:55:00.000+08:00

The delightfully clever Sponge Girl has broken her long silence on the role of the "public intellectual", so popular in France but less respected elsewhere in the world.

"I think the problem with that institution has been that a lot of the opinions, philosophies and theories voiced by intellectuals have been out of touch with the views of the public for a long time - obviously I'm not saying it's a good thing, knowledge levels aren't what they used to be and that's not the intellectuals' fault - but I finally have a feeling that the good old days, when theories were relevant to the everyman, may well be returning," she said.

Sponge Girl is referring to newly discovered philosopher, Tiger Wren, who seems poised to lead a new generation into the exciting world of critical thinking and the occasional burst of nihilism.

"His ability to reduce complex ideas - love, death and so on - to their most basic elements, namely noodles, means he is able to speak to the people, without artifice, without pretense. I truly believe that his example will see many more young people taking interest in the world around them. This brave young man has in only a few words done more than Foucault ever could: he has made people care," elaborated Sponge Girl.

Tiger Wren was not available for comment, but his mother was heard to say "What's this I hear about chocolate bicuits?".

Another Supercouple Emerges, Sponge Girl Rejoices

2006-05-23T23:36:00.000+08:00

Speaking on behalf of all mankind, Sponge Girl has expressed her unbridled joy at the news that Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman - both close associates of the wonderfully wascally superstar - are dating.

"It's tremendous, it restores the balance to the universe. The unholy TomKat continues to shower the world with ignorance and stupidity, preparing for an allmighty showdown with the soul-achingly "humanitarian" Brangelina - and as has been foreseen, in their attempt to out-tabloid each other they will cause despair and destruction, killing about two thirds of the world's population. After the carnage, a couple of such overwhelming brilliance and kindness as Nat and Jake will be able to lead mankind to renewed civilisation, using their magnificent guiding tools of Ambiguous Sexuality and Universal Grammar," explained Sponge Girl.

"I think that's good enough news to warrant another chocolate biscuit, don't you?" she then suggested.

As a result today has been declared the International Have Another Chocolate Biscuit Day.

"Do it for your country," reminds Sponge Girl.

Sponge Girl: "In a fair fight, Latex will always beat Botox"

2006-05-02T20:54:00.000+08:00

Packing away a well-worn party hat, philanthropist and special effects make-up artist Sponge Girl paused to contemplate the slowly winding down celebration following Finland's Eurovision victory on Saturday.

"It's been a wild ride, certainly... Not just because of Lordi, obviously, Silvia did her bit, too...", smiled Sponge Girl, referring to the highly-publicised confrontation between her and Iceland's answer to Ali G, who took out the frustration of her failed performance on the sweet starlet by sporadic attacks with a halibut, a move all remaining members of Monty Python's Flying Circus have condemned as "malicious fishmongering".

Despite being pursued by the attention-hungry Icelander, Sponge Girl did have the opportunity to party on down with monster rockers Lordi, who managed to single-handedly open up the possibility for something other than pointless ballads and white pants to feature in the monumental festival of kitsch: "The all-night Twister marathon was ace!".

Since first being spotted at the dress rehearsal, Sponge Girl has had to repeatedly deny being the unofficial make-up artist for Lordi, although it is no secret that her groundbreaking experimentation with latex and animal fur in her film student days (such as in the cult classic Flip The Pancake, Bitch) was an early influence of Mr Lordi.

Sponge Girl has not revealed her post-Eurovision plans, although there is some speculation that she will focus on trying to make sense of why, in the name of all things good and pure, women are so obsessed with Stavros Niarchos. Said the lovely little wench: "I just don't get it. Unicorn or no unicorn."

"I Don't See How It's Any Of Your Business": Sponge Girl, Sungai

2006-05-02T20:29:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl has lashed out against the Pope, causing all manner of hilarity around the world as good Catholics are unsure which one to love more.

The Pope, desperately trying to shake his reputation as being eeeevil, has caused shockwaves around the world by claiming Komodo dragon Sungai has been less than guarded with who she lets fertilise her eggs. The endagered animal has four new hatchlings of uncertain paternity, something which has drawn much criticism from the Catholic church. There is also a concern than the dragon ("a clear reference to the satan", the pontiff pointed out) is in fact the antichrist, copycatting the whole virgin birth-trick made famous in the best-seller The Bible.

Sponge Girl has called the Pope a "wanker doofus", an insult the starlet usually reserves only for Xenunian Tom Cruise. "These antiquated standards of morality have no place in modern society, and I believe Sungai has the right to lay her eggs wherever and whenever she pleases, and if it so happens that she's capable of cloning herself, then all power to her. "

U.S. President George W. Bush has condemned Sungai as a filthy liberal, making a short statement against any cloning whatsoever: "She wha...? Without a doozy-whatsit? Man, that's gross. It's somehow... French".

Sungai has declined to make a comment to the media, although it is rumoured that she may be appearing on Ellen soon.

ADDENDUM:

As if the Pope being rude to Sungai wasn't enough, now God himself is dissing on Kay Richardson. I mean hey, where's the love?

But What About Baby Shields?:Sponge Girl

2006-04-20T11:12:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl has made an impassioned plea to UNICEF and the CIA, demanding action be taken due to the arrival of "cruise-baby" Suri.

"First of all, the child's name is the imperfect tense, in third person singular, of the Finnish verb to mourn. And if that isn't evidence enough, it can't be any coincidence that Brooke Shields gave birth to a baby girl the very same day Katie Holmes' pillow is supposed to have morphed into a - du-du-DUM! - baby girl."

Brooke Shields was famously attacked by Tom Cruise for basically being a non-crazy perfectly normal human being after the birth of her first child, and there had been some speculation of Cruise interfering with Shields' new pregnancy. Sponge Girl is the first one, though, to suggest that Ms Holmes' pregnancy had been concocted to mirror Ms Shields' one, so a crafty babynapping could take place.

"You know, like those crazy people who start kidnapping babies so they can convince their deadbeat boyfriends to stay with them 'cause they're a family now? Yeah, like that, but the 'boyfriend' here is the public, and 'crazy person' is Tom Cruise," elaborated Sponge Girl.

ADDENDUM:

As if Sponge Girl's linguistically genious, grammatically correct observations on the poor kid's name are not enough...

In extra special news comes this little tidbit about how - even if you're perfectly happy to make up horse shit about psychology, medication and sex - you should always do your research when you're naming "your" baby. But surely Mr Cruise will have a perfect come-back to the so-called "linguists". After all, how can you claim to know anything if you don't believe deep-fried aliens inhabit your body?

Sponge Girl Protests, Britney "Mothers"

2006-04-13T17:31:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl has staged a midnight vigil outside Britney Spears' house in Los Angeles after it was revealed that neither Britney nor her partner Kevin Fuggerline had noticed their son Sean had had a fractured skull for six days. Sponge Girl started the vigil together with Natalie Portman, beloved superwoman who used the time to also become fluent in Norwegian, and the twosome were joined during the night by approximately seven hundred people, including Cameron Diaz, the Wiggles and a busload of tourists who though they were waiting for David Hasselhoff.

When asked what she felt was the best course of action to safeguard young Sean, Sponge Girl could not offer a definitive answer: "You see, unless Cletus and Brandine here clean up their act someone would have to adopt him - and since Angelina is to our best knowledge carrying a Caucasian child she already has a complete set. The only other alternative for leaving the child with these two is even more frightening... "

While Sponge Girl refused to elaborate, Ms Portman choked back tears as she explained the only other alternative: "Tom and Katie. I think it's pretty obvious that she's not really pregnant , so they will need a real baby pretty damn quick. The consequences are just too horrific to contemplate. So that's why we're here - we're not trying to take the kid away from her, we know there is a greater evil out there waiting to get its hands on him. We just want her to wake up and smell the Cheetos. Look after your child, girl. Protect him from He Of Couch-Jumping Fame."

In other news, Tom Cruise is said to be campaigning for having Sean removed from Britney's and Kevin's custody. "It's time someone who's not living in fantasyland, someone who has a new movie out, to care for that child," reported Mr Cruise's aide.

Sharon Stone: "But What About Me?"

2006-04-06T10:32:00.000+08:00

Sharon Stone, most famous for allowing bloggers the chance to gratuitously use the word 'cooter' , has lashed out at Sponge Girl for ignoring her at numerous functions, and for not making a public statement against her.

"I mean, really, how can I possibly keep building my reputation as a try-hard hypersexual snakewoman if people don't talk about me? Sure, she'll comment on Tom Cruise and his crimes against humanity - and don't even get me started on the Hilton Copycat Parade - but when someone really needs the column centimetres the bitch blanks me. "

In response Sponge Girl commented that "The world's changed, pumpkin. Flashing one's naughty bits in a movie ain't all that shocking these days - I mean hey, Lindsay Lohan did it at a kids' show, so that's your first clue that it ain't exactly hardcore anymore."

After being shown images of the pitiable state Ms Stone wallowed in these days, Sponge Girl's cold heart softened, and she agreed to make the following comment:

"Fine. Sharon Stone, you're a lousy mother, a haggard has-been and to be quite honest, the cooter schtick is starting to wear a bit thin. Happy? You owe me one."

After hearing Sponge Girl's comments, Ms Stone was filled with righteous fury, and promptly flashed her cooter at a five-year-old.

Cartoon Whores Created; Sponge Girl Blamed

2006-03-23T09:15:00.000+08:00

Having recently returned from her puppetry experience, Sponge Girl has now had to face the abomination that formed during her long absence from the public eye.

Paris and Nicky Hilton are due to feature in a cartoon dedicated to their vacuous lives. Child protection groups around the world have blamed Sponge Girl for not being there to prevent the creation of Cartoon Whores - a program which will undoubtedly damage children's development for several generations.

"I'm happy for her that she's been busy, and obviously Federwhatzisname dropped the charges and all that, but really there's no excuse for letting down the kids of the world," commented a placard-waving mother, who wished to remain anonymous.

Speaking on behalf of Sponge Girl, Natalie Portman commented: "It is awful, no doubt about it. I mean, calculated nip-slips and vaginal flashings just don't belong in kids' television. Spongie does feel that had she been alerted to the project earlier she could have prevented it somehow - maybe by slicing off Paris' annoying head - but in reality she can't be everywhere, and I don't think anyone would argue that she should have shunned her responsibility as chief puppeteer to kick some heiress butt. You can't just leave a project like that, and no-one but Spongie could make Sam "Da Man" Jackson sing in a falsetto, no-one."

When asked what Sponge Girl was planning now that the cartoon was already in production, Ms Portman replied: "Well, I can't give you the details, obviously, but if we can arrange for a South Park cross-over, and then close the portal before Paris and Nicky can return to their own world, we should be fine. Cartman would fuckin' eat them alive."

In other news, the Cartoon Whores characters will also star in the new line of VagWedge adverts, and in return the product will feature in the first episode of the controversial series - with an option for many more. According to Ms Holmes' and The Hiltons' spokespeople the close collaboration between the program and and the vaginal flossing device is a simple run-of-the-mill advertising excercise, and nothing to do with the lot of them being nuts.

Sponge Girl Controls Snakes (On A Plane)!

2006-03-20T20:49:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl's recent absence from the public eye has been explained by her key role as chief puppeteer on the set of Snakes On A Plane.

Snakes On A Plane, the great epic of our times, tells the touching story of a bad-ass muthafucka (played with customary poise by Samuel L. Jackson) just trying to do his job, when (poisonous) snakes are released in an (airborne) aeroplane - threatening Christmas and democracy with their slithering ways. Producers have been trying to disguise the film as harmless, silly fun - but academics around the world have suggested that the film is in fact a meaningful political allegory. Some think the snakes represent Evil, with Mr Jackson representing America, while others suggest the snakes' illegal occupation of the plane suggests a biting commentary on the non-war-everything's-going-fine-I-tells-ya- situation in Iraq.

Sponge Girl would not comment on the political undertones of the film, but was happy to talk of her role in creating the masterpiece.

"Well, given that all of the snakes were animated in post-prod, as chief puppeteer it was my job to make sure there was a performance of The Lonely Goatherd every evening at the end of shooting. And although I generally don't like stars making these outrageous demands in their contracts, I must admit I thought it was kinda neat that Sam specifically wanted puppet theatre, and not ocean-scented toilet paper or thinly sliced ocelot for breakfast or something like that. It was great fun - I coordinated the rotation of roles right from Girl In Pale Pink Coat to Baby Goat and made sure everyone knew which way to pull the ropes."

Continued Sponge Girl: "And let me tell you, yodelling every night for three months really taxes your voice. Imagine, after the first week I was so sore I couldn't even manage a friendly 'up yours' when I bumped into Tom one evening. Fortunately I'm better now."

Tom Cruise: Life-Sucking Idiot; Sponge Girl: Needs Happyplace

2006-03-08T11:40:00.000+08:00

The upcoming Federline vs. Fancypants trial has been overshadowed in the press by reports that while Sponge Girl has stepped aside from planning the Cruise-Holmes sham wedding, she has not retired from being a vocal critic of Mr Cruise, or "insane little self-obsessed wanker-doofus", as his friends jovially refer to him.

An exasperated Sponge Girl has said she cannot understand why a previously sensible girl such as Ms Holmes could be so enamoured with a misogynistic prickhead.

"Look, women do occasionally fall for the wrong guy - I know that now I wouldn't spend a fortnight in the arms of Charlie Sheen, but at the time it seemed like a good idea - but that kind of lapse in judgement is only excusable if he's good-looking and you don't actually have any evidence of him smoking pot in the bathroom, just a hunch. But when the man of your dreams isn't even half as good-looking as, say, Jake Gyllenhaal - Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal! - and there are libraries devoted to his idiocies, and evidence-a-plenty that he just ain't worth it, sugar - well, then, I don't know what is wrong with you."

The visibly agitated Sponge Girl then closed her eyes and repeated a mantra that sounded something like oh my happyplace-welcome home mrs gyllenhaal-my happyplace-oh my happyplace-why thank you I would love some lemonade.

She continued her social commentary more relaxed, though still focussed on the topic at hand:

"What's most worrying is that this... "man" is airing some downright dangerous views on everything from sex to childbirth- as if he has a clue on either! I'd like to see Tom not scream when eight pounds of alien baby is extracted from any one of his orifices*. And what kind of a sick perverted little monkey bans a hormonally charged woman from having sex for nine months? That's right, an bad sick perverted little monkey. And I hope all you ladies who love Scientologists are paying very close attention to how this sex ban only applies to the mother-to-be. Think about it."

When asked what she felt could be done to help Ms Holmes, Sponge Girl sighed. "There's only so much you can do. I've talked to her, I've shown her the magazine clippings, I've had her read Nicole Kidman's diary, I've introduced her to Jake Gyllenhaal - Jake Gyllenhaal, people! A nice, non-crazy person! - to Cillian Murphy, to Zach Braff... the list goes on. I've arranged for a naked Christian Bale to await her at home, I've kidnapped and beaten her and pinned it on Tom - and she doesn't even bat an eyelid. No, I think I will have to accept that she is beyond help - the best I can do is keep the rest of the world informed so that no other publicity hungry young wenches, desperate to make the change from TV girl next door to blockbuster babe, won't succumb to this sort of an arrangement. Well, except for the Olsen Twins. Those bobblehead bitches can marry whichever nutcase they want."

*Interesting side note - while according to current scientific knowledge Tom Cruise lacks a vagina, he does possess two, how shall we put this, a-holes. Guess where!

Sponge Girl In Court; Federline Royalty

2006-03-03T09:20:00.000+08:00

Kevin Federline, aka Douchebag, has announced he will sue Sponge Girl. Mr Federline has reportedly not yet figured out what exactly the lawsuit will focus on, saying only "Are you hatin', too, bitch? A guy's gotta look after himself, right?"

World media is speculating that this may in fact be a desperate attempt on Mr Federline's part to score some quick cash. Associate Professor of Yokelism, Terrence Hovel, from the Jesus Christ 4Eva University in Tennessee has commented "Kevin, he ain't no fool - lawsuits are where it's at. It'll be great publicity, fantastic for re-launching the sagging career of an ex-backup dancer and current allegedly unfit parent."

"It's also a time-honored way of bringing home the bacon, and in the professional circuits starting court proceedings for no other reason than monetary gain is actually called federlining. Not many people outside of the court circuit know that it was Kevin's mother who caused McDonald's to print hot coffee- warnings on their cups. Oddly enough, the uneducated masses seem frustrated at Kevin seemingly living off Britney's fame, but in reality Kevin was trailor-trash royalty far before Britney even got her first implants. Kevin comes from a long line of expert sue-ers, and many have been anxiously waiting for him to come to his own as the Crown Prince or this all-American way of life. I know I'll certainly be watching the case closely, so long as FOX gets the rights to it," added Dr. Hovel.

Sponge Girl was not available for comment, but Judge Judy was happy to clarify the legal situation: "The only avenue open for Mr Federline would be the hatin' charge - but it would be very difficult to prove due to the well-established fact that Mr Federline is in a more dire need of a bitch-slapping than anyone else. So if Sponge Girl is indeed displaying signs of hatin', it could just as easily be interpreted as righteous anger, and that's protected by the Supreme Court. The case isn't water tight and if I get assigned to it, I'd have to send his whiny little butt packing, purely on legal grounds of course."

Russians, U.S. to Get Rid of Sponge Girl

2006-02-20T20:40:00.000+08:00

The Russian Olympic Committee has called for the removal of Sponge Girl from the Olympic Village in Turin, where Sponge Girl was granted full access due to her dual role as the consultant choreographer for the Russian figure skating team and cheerleader for the Finnish curling team.

The Russian Olympic Committee has fired Sponge Girl, despite her hard work aiding Evgeni Plushenko towards a gold medal, due to eyewitness accounts of the little vixen spending a late night dancing rather close to the American figure skating talent Johnny Weir. The Russians are worried Weir may be trying to influence Sponge Girl into passing on poor advice to Russian skaters - somewhat late, some might say.

Bizzarely, the U.S. Olympic Commitee has also demanded Sponge Girl be asked to leave, fearing she may be influencing Mr Weir - and given his failure to achieve a medal the Americans are concerned the flirtatious starlet may already have wreaked havoc on the country's medal tally.

Mr Weir has taken his coaches' advice and declined to comment on the two countries' demands, though Sponge Girl has appeared unconcerned in interviews and didn't seem to think there was anything to fuss about: "Really, this sort of thing tends to happen to me, I've accepted that people tend to jump to conclusions. The thing is that Tinkerbelle and I have known each other since a drama camp in the mid-nineties and while I wouldn't say we're bosom buddies or anything, it is always nice to get together with people you know at an event like this."

Sponge Girl does not believe she will be expelled from the Olympic Village, either: "Of course it's upsetting that the Russian team don't really want me around anymore, but I've earned my place here and fortunately Markku (Uusipaavalniemi, or U15, captain of the Finnish curling team and vocal supporter of Sponge Girl) doesn't care about these sorts of rumours and understands that my ability to cheer isn't affected by my habit of hanging around guys in leotards."

There May Well Be A God: Sponge Girl

2006-02-15T11:34:00.000+08:00

As rumours of Katie Holmes' and Tom Cruise' break-up spread, friends are reporting Sponge Girl to have acquired a shimmering aura, and a more peaceful, forgiving outlook on life.

"When she first heard about the split, she just looked so... happy. You know that bit in Blackadder where he tells the Prince Regent that he could never, ever be the Scarlet Pimpernel? And then Hugh Laurie does this insane, happy incredulous look? Well, that's what she looked like," explained Natalie Portman, who had been present during the revelation.

"Then there was, like, harp music, and then Sponge Girl spoke in what could have been Aramaic, but I'm not that good with languages, so it could just as easily have been early Greek".

Sponge Girl has reportedly been celebrating continuously since the news spread, curing lepers along the way. Though she has denied she believes there was any divine intervention in the break-up process, some sources claim that Sponge Girl herself may well be God, and all of humanity should bow down and thank her merciful grace for allowing the darkness to end.

It Wasn't My Fault: Sponge Girl

2006-02-09T20:05:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl has denied rumours that she was in fact the "Romanian singer" cited as the cause of Ralph Fiennes' and Francesca Annis' separation.

"Look, I don't know anything about their situation, I have had nothing to do with their... irreconcilable differences and I would really appreaciate it if you could just stop asking me about these things. I mean, first you come a-knockin' after Brad and Gwyneth split, then Natalie and Gael - now Ralph and Fran. I mean honestly, I'd have to be a pretty busy little girl if it was all my fault," commented the exasperated Sponge Girl.

"Next you'll be claiming the Melanie Griffiths-Antonio Banderas split was my fault!"

When a kindly photographer pointed out that Ms Griffiths and Mr Banderas had not in fact separated, Sponge Girl suddenly became evasive and mumbled: "Oh, right, of course. Just forget everything I said".

In unrelated news, Melanie Griffiths is said to have a contract out on Sponge Girl, although the claim has not been verified by Ms Griffiths' publicist or by Sponge Girl herself.

Katie Holmes As Health Spokesperson, Sponge Girl Runs For The Hills

2006-02-03T21:01:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl is said to have distanced herself from from the marriage of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise due to a bout of illness caused at least in part by Mr Cruise's ties to the occult. Sponge Girl may well count her blessings for having just missed Ms Holmes launching herself as a fashion designer and feminine hygiene spokesperson.

"Well, with Tom and me meeting millions of people a day and becoming all of their bestest friends we tend to know everything about everybody, and we've found out that women do not tend to floss their vaginas. We thought that was absolutely shocking and decided we needed to do something. Of course, Tom doesn't really like me doing things on my own, but since he doesn't have a damn clue about girlie bits I thought it was best I take the lead on this one. So, I've started my own brand of feminine hygiene products, CrackHappenings, and we're really hoping to make a splash".

The first product in the line, the VagWedge publicly sported by Ms Holmes, is available for $9.99 on the internet, or for free with a copy of a War of the Worlds DVD on Amazon. The product was originally intended to bear the slogan "Camp Cruise", although it was pulled at the last minute for concerns the phrase would cause confusion.

Celebrities such as Britney Spears and Tara Reid are already known to own a pair, and Mr Cruise is said to be doing all he can to have a pair included in every Oscar gala gift bag. "I'm fairly confident they'll do it. It's either that or I punch every single one of the non-believing suckbags," smiled the clearly insane Mr Cruise.

Sponge Girl Too Weak To Eat, Still Has Energy To Hate K-Fed

2006-01-31T12:26:00.000+08:00

Speaking from her sickbed, the still-miserable Sponge Girl has built up enough energy to comment on the most ridiculous attempt at creating musical credibility - "in the world, ever, ever".

Sponge Girl is of course referring to the human trainwreck, Kevin Federline, and his "single" PopoZao.

Her frail body trembling from both fury and malnutrition, Sponge Girl's comments were laced with unbridled disgust.

"It's obvious Kevin has decided that the best way to gain any credibility in society at large would be to convince people he actually speaks a foreign language, and Portuguese is a good choice. It's a bit edgy and out-there and doesn't have the burden of being associated by Candeece-Chastity Yokel from Arkansas with something French people speak. So his logic is solid," began the precious little thing.

"But for crying out loud, is PopoZao really the best he can do? And to even point it out to the poor unknowing, he actually writes the masturbatory piece of information into the song: It's Portuguese! I mean hey, Ricky Martin didn't go around singing La Vida Loca is Spanish and means the crazy life and woo-hoo ain't I sexy for speaking something you critics don't. Why? Because he could actually speak Spanish. K-Fed can hardly speak English. Personally I believe he's really only fluent in the native tongue of buffalo wings, or maybe Springerspeak."

As the starlet's blood pressure began to rise to dangerous levels, her minders suggested steering the interview to a less hateful topic. When asked about her current condition Sponge Girl said: "Well, we managed to find the kidneys and they have been reattached now, so that's all good. The antibiotics are still making things a bit confusing for me, though. Who said that?"

Sponge Girl also commented on the dedication shown to her by the Lovely Ladeez, who have been out in force catsuits and whips ready for action, and the unstoppable Mirri, whose ancient-ish incantations have speeded the recovery process: "I had no idea they would all come to my help with such verve, grace and ooomph. No, that's a lie - I knew ooomph would always be involved. I'm getting better, which is great. And I've lost 10% of my body weight in three days, and that can't be all bad."

In unrelated news, anonymous assailants have reportedly fired silver bullets at Tom Cruise, although Mr Cruise's aides are yet to confirm the rumour.

Sponge Girl's Mysterious Illness

2006-01-28T18:34:00.000+08:00

Close friends of the amazingly sexy and phantasmagorically clever Sponge Girl are reported to be in turmoil as the starlet has unexpectedly been taken ill.

While no exact details are available, several theories of the beauty's condition are circulating.

In certain quarters it is supected that Sponge Girl has been involved in an unfortunate altercation with Tom Cruise, leading to her kidneys being stolen in a clandestine fashion.

"It is a trademark of the fundamentalist Scientologists: they have a profound belief in simply being really, really mean to anyone that irritates them. And of course, for several weeks now Sponge Girl has been said to be on the brink of incurring the cult's full wrath due to her public criticism of the nutjob Mr Cruise. Erase that last bit," commented an academic specialising in weird ideologies.

Another possibility, one that has been voiced by some in Sponge Girl's innermost circle, is that in her typical empathetic manner Sponge Girl has had a violent physical reaction to the misfortunes of Miz Bohemia, a close personal ally and all-round yummy mummy.

Natalie Portman, speaking on behalf of Sponge Girl's distraught posse, urged people to do their best to improve Miz Bohemia's condition: "While we can't be absolutely sure that that would be the sole cause of Sponge Girl's current state of health, it is a likely contributing factor. I mean, look at how badly she took the whole Kay-incident. Having said that, I don't think it would hurt to maybe, you know... fix... Mr Cruise. ".

Sponge Girl Does Not Deny Wedding Rumours!

2006-01-24T21:02:00.000+08:00

The effervescent yet alluringly sophisticated Sponge Girl has not denied rumours that she is involved with the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. In fact, Sponge Girl has now made a brief statement to the press saying that while she is not Ms Holmes' bridesmaid, she is "more in a... consulting role", though she would not give precise details. The rumours started when Ms Holmes was heard calling out to Sponge Girl with the mysterious line "Just don't wear heels, okay?".

There is budding speculation that Sponge Girl decided to take part in the event with the view to sabotage it from within, although at her brief public appearance Sponge Girl - sporting a nice black Divide et impera shirt - avoided commenting on the allegation.

Though few details of the event are available, Sponge Girl is known to be involved in a battle of wills with Mr Cruise, who does not accept her opinion that signed photographs of himself are not appropriate wedding favours. She is also said to be adamant that Mr Cruise be seated between Angelina Jolie and an unnamed Thai ladyboy for the duration of the reception.

Sponge Girl To Be Katie Holmes' Bridesmaid?

2006-01-19T20:34:00.000+08:00

Rumours are flying around that the soon-to-be Mrs Cruise has asked Sponge Girl to be one of the bridesmaids at her wedding, alongside Dakota Fanning.

A friend of Katie Holmes has said the actress feels her relationship with the most annoying man of all time has not been taken as seriously as she had hoped ("I told her she was going to regret turning down Christian Bale", added the friend), and having a luminary figure such as Sponge Girl so closely involved with the event would lend their farcical wedding some much-needed credibility.

"Of course, it's going to be a Scientology wedding, so it'll involve prayers in Alien-language and a ritualistic denial of all scientifically proven knowledge under the Sun, which Katie thinks is incredibly romantic. Then again, she's been a bit off her rocker ever since she got it on with Pacey", mused the friend.

"Sponge Girl hasn't replied yet as far as I know. It's not quite guaranteed that she'll do it, though. You know, what with her actually being allergic to Tom - a really rather violent stabbing reflex - and never having spoken a word to Katie apart from 'Why? For the love of God, why?' before Tom's heavies, well, 'removed' her from the engagement party."

Sponge Girl has evaded reporters of late and as such no comments on the topic are available, although she has been seen meeting with Nicole Kidman for a friendly drink and a spot of voodoo. Chris Klein has sometimes been included in the happy group.

Sponge Girl Fights Off Philippe

2006-01-17T18:48:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl is said to be furious with family man Ryan Philippe after the actor made a desperate grab for the starlet's booty at a Golden Globe after party. Known for her quick reflexes Sponge Girl turned around and bitch-slapped the bastard.

"Man, you could hear it across the room", reminisced the coked-out Paris Hilton, who for some God-forsaken reason changed into a flamingo suit mid-party.

"Look, I can't say Ryan and I have ever been the best of friends, but I did hope he would have stopped deliberately misinterpreting me. He should have known that with our history I would never make eyes at him at a party - he should damn well have known I was looking at Hugh Laurie," explained Sponge Girl, with a hint of bitterness in her voice. Sponge Girl started to say something else, but quickly changed her mind and stayed silent.

Natalie Portman, who was with Sponge Girl trying to calm her down, explained that she was quite surprised Ryan had made such a fool of himself: "And to use Timberlake's M.O., as well! Cheeky bugger."

When asked to comment on the incident, Mr Philippe looked confused and said only "Timber-who?"

"Feed Nicole", pleads Sponge Girl

2006-01-10T19:13:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl has mounted a world-wide "Feed Nicole"-campaign after meeting with estranged friend Nicole Ritchie, a 13-year-old orange boy.

A distraught Sponge Girl told Cosmopolitan magazine that a recent reunion with the emaciated Ms Ritchie was more a shocking eye-opener than a "nice little bitch session about Paris".

Confidantes have revealed that while Ms Ritchie and Sponge Girl used to be close friends during their True Love Waits years, the pair had since drifted apart for unknown reasons - though some have speculated the split to have been caused by "a combination of Nicole's moral poverty and Sponge Girl's unrelenting intellectual snobbery". It is said that their recent meeting was due to Sponge Girl wanting to mend their frayed relationship.

A member of Ms Ritchie's posse, who was present at the meeting, was able to give more details than the tearful Sponge Girl.

"She, like, looked at her all stunned an' stuff and then said 'Nic, sweetheart, look at yourself. Listen, the line between looking gorgeous and looking dead isn't fine at all - and I don't care what Mischa says!' - that's when Nic's pants fell off - y'know, with her not having hips an' stuff".

The horrified Sponge Girl is known to have left hurriedly, without even touching her moccha.

Putting down the Kleenex just long enough to produce a coherent sentence, Sponge Girl urged people to do their best to provide Ms Ritchie with food. "Donuts, nachos, Hershey bars, bananas, stir fry - anything you can get your hands on. "

When asked how people would be able to feed Nicole Ritchie when she seems so incapable of it herself, Sponge Girl stated: "It really won't be a problem. She's at the stage where her skin will actually absorb food if it's not provided internally. So, just pelt her with random foodstuffs - it'll work just fine".

Sponge Girl's Pocket Reference Book In Production!

2006-01-08T18:44:00.000+08:00

In the wake of her most recent celebrity mix-up Sponge Girl has decided to put together a guide identifying the subtle (if sometimes negligible) differences between the representatives of the modern breed of actress slash singer slash socialite.

"Knowing the horrendous fate that can befall anyone who adresses an A-list simpleton incorrectly I feel it is my humanitarian duty to inform people on the matter, to collect a guide of sorts - a Pocket Reference of Tabloid Whores, if you will."

Sponge Girl therefore invites moral upstanding citizens (and for the sake of equality, bohemians) to take part in the quest. Go to the comments trail for further instructions.

"Do it for your country," advises Sponge Girl.

Sponge Girl's Identity Blunder

2006-01-08T10:45:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl has had to think of reasonable explanation why, at a recent gala event, she accidentally called Lindsay Lohan "Jessica".

Realising her mistake the clearly red-faced Sponge Girl hurriedly explained to the fuming Ms Lohan that her contacts had perhaps slipped, and that she had certainly availed herself of the bountiful alcohol provided, the combination of the two leading to a momentary lapse of judgement. "Of course you don't look like her. You're your own pers...", attempted Sponge Girl before coming to an abrupt halt.

Before the pause became too awkward, Sponge Girl snapped back into her usual form with "Oh screw that. Get your own look, girl. And quit the singing before someone does it for you."

Sponge Girl later denied she in fact threatened Ms Lohan with voice-depriving violence, but added "If anyone has done any research into breast implants interfering with the larynx - or at the very least booty-shaking abilities - I'd be interested in hearing more about it."

Sponge Girl Informs Public on "Tabloid"

2006-01-04T20:02:00.000+08:00

In a surprise move Doug Pascover, expert dialectician and grammarian afflicted by the fatal curmudgeonitis horribilis or "Henry Higgins' Disease", has enlisted the help of Sponge Girl in defining the essence of Tabloid.

In a short statement Sponge Girl explained her acceptance of the offer by saying "While I generally don't believe in anything being definite - thus making definitions somewhat void - in this instance I had to make an exception. The Tabloidistanis are a vastly misunderstood people, and I hope my little contribution can help further understanding of their customs and societal norms".

"Plus after the little... incident in Queensland all those years ago, I owed Doug a favour," added the starlet, refusing to elaborate further.

Sponge Girl Not Naked!

2006-01-03T23:15:00.000+08:00

Paparazzi around the world are furious at their yet again foiled attempts to photograph Sponge Girl naked on a beach.

One photographer, who wished to remain anonymous, said "We really have no idea how she manages to evade us year after year. We have pictures of her going grocery shopping, talking on the phone and rescuing kittens from trees, but there are just these moments when she simply disappears and can't be seen for up to 43 minutes at a time. I reckon it's just enough time to take your kit off and roll about uninhibitedly. And maybe have an ice cream."

When asked about reports that Sponge Girl was in fact fond of 40-minute afternoon naps, and wasn't even particularly keen on the beach, the photographer became outraged and shook his head violently: "No! All young women sunbathe naked! And have pillowfights in their knickers! In syrup! Why can't she -- I don't get it, I don't get it. Can it really be so hard to do depraved stuff for the tabloids? I mean really!"

Sponge Girl did not exactly comment as such, but she did burst into cute girly giggles when told about the photographer's beliefs.

Kay Richardson Released, Sponge Girl Smiling

2005-12-23T11:03:00.000+08:00

Observers have noted a significantly lighter step in the stride of Sponge Girl after the recent revelation that Kay Richardson is a free man.

Sponge Girl, who had been seen bursting into tears for no apparant reason during her friend's imprisonment, is said to have settled into her usual demeanor of sceptical enthusiasm and world-embracing frivolity due to the new development.

While Sponge Girl herself still won't comment directly on the behaviour that led to Mr. Richardson's arrest, friends say she is clearly relieved - although she seems to have simultaneously become fixated with catsuits.

Sponge Girl to Return to Studies!

2005-12-23T10:30:00.000+08:00

Unlike Mary-Kate Olsen, Sponge Girl has announced that papers do indeed make her happy. According to reliable sources Sponge Girl has been offered a doctoral scholarship in a well-respected university and is said to be "thrilled".

"I have been looking forward to this for quite a long time and I think I'm in that phase of my life when I simply need to see how far I can stretch my analytical capabilitites, to see if I really can make a worthy contribution to academia. What can I say, I'm a bit of a perpetual student at heart and this news just tickles me pink".

Added Sponge Girl: "I can't believe I just used the phrase tickles me pink".

When asked if this meant Sponge Girl would be withdrawing from her stellar career of social commentary and writing, she replied "no, no - I'm a multi-tasker, honey. I'll be around".

Sponge Girl's Sister Steps Into The Limelight!

2005-12-19T21:58:00.000+08:00

In a recent development Sponge Girl's younger sister, Mirri Perkele, has claimed her own slice of blogosphere. When asked if this meant Mirri, widely considered to be the cuter of the two, would be following her older sibling into an international career of do-gooderism and artistic excellence, Sponge Girl simply stated "I do not like to speculate on my sister's plans and aspirations. However, I do hope this means I get to bump in to her more often."

World media is waiting to see if this new development will lead the sisters into a Jessica/Ashlee Simpson- style skankfest.

Friend Of Sponge Girl Assaults Children!

2005-12-13T20:18:00.000+08:00

Sponge Girl has become the sudden target of media attention as her close friend Kay Richardson, ant-hating philanderer and actor, has been arrested on assault charges. Mr Richardson is alleged to have thrown syringes at schoolchildren at a recent drug awareness event at St Dragonball's School For Wayward Boys.

Sponge Girl has declined to comment on her friend's inexplicable actions, merely shaking her head to curious reporters as she dashed into a taxi after her pottery class at a local community college. However an aide later released an official statement saying "Sponge Girl is certain there is some misunderstanding. She hopes Mr Richardson's name will be cleared and he may return to a life of art and debauchery as soon as possible".

An account of the puzzling incident can be found here.

Sponge Girl In Rehab!

2005-12-07T22:38:00.000+08:00

According to The Sun Sponge Girl has recently admitted herself into a rehab clinic, although sources say the cause is not alcohol or drugs. It is alleged the cause for Sponge Girl's withdrawal from the public eye is due to "acute bewilderment". This, in turn, is said to be caused by sudden, repeated and uncontrollable exposure to a naked Professor Snape. A friend is known to have defended Sponge Girl by saying "You'd be shellshocked, too, if you had stumbled across PlayWitch completely by accident. And then, equally accidentally, set it as your homepage."

When asked to comment on his powerful effect on naive little starlets Professor Snape simply pierced into the reporter's soul with a smouldering gaze and walked away, his cloak billowing in the wind.

10 Things We All Love About Sponge Girl

2005-12-05T20:15:00.000+08:00

Fans, friends and confidantes from around the world have sent in information on the alluring Sponge Girl. The ten most important bits of trivia relating to everyone's favourite Renaissance girl are:

1. Her full name is Spongebrain Fancypants, though she vastly prefers the more accessible Sponge Girl. Or Crouching Tiger, but that's another story.

2. Sponge Girl can't sing to save her life. That's why she turned down Paul McCartney's persistent requests for a duet, not because she has some deep animosity towards him on behalf of John Lennon. No matter what Yoko says.

3. Sponge Girl has a French exam in 15 days, and she is quivering of fear in her little red leather booties at the thought of it. I mean, what if she fails?

4. Sponge Girl doesn't fail. Sponge Girl simply "gives the other kids a chance".

5. French notwithstanding, Sponge Girl is multilingual. In fact, she's fluently bi-. Ha.

6. Sponge Girl is also really witty. Honest.

7. Sponge Girl prefers silence. That's why she makes such a rotten clubber.

8. Despite that, Sponge Girl knows what gaudeamus igitur, juvenes dum sumus means. And she means it when she says it.

9. Sponge Girl has a thing for musicals. And Leningrad Cowboys. And Freddie Mercury. Sponge Girl has had guitar lessons from Brian May.

10. Sponge Girl is enchanted by a healthy combination of biceps and a middle-class English accent.

Sponge Girl Changed My Life: Paris

2005-11-27T22:37:00.000+08:00

First Tom Cruise admitted he may not have all the answers to the mysteries of the Universe, then Madonna denounced Kabbalah and apologised for being such a self-important pretentious git all these years. Now Paris Hilton has joined the ranks of previously annoying celebrities who have taken the first steps towards likeability - and all thanks to Sponge Girl.

A clearly embarrassed Ms Hilton commented "Before the development of our friendship I - can you believe it? - I had no idea what a complete skank I was". Shaking her head in despair, Hilton added "To think it took me over twenty years to discover subtitled films! And tops that cover my midriff!"

Ms Hilton also spoke about her shock decision to join forces with Victoria Beckham and Hilary Duff on a half-year expedition into the heart of Sumatran jungle where the group will aid in rehabilitating captive orang utans into the wild. "Well, we were having a chat over a couple of chai teas and it turned out we'd all been talking to Sponge Girl - and gotten the same advice: to just get over ourselves and do something useful for a change. And we though 'heck, we'll do it'".

Hilton admitted to having had very little information on the subject at the time of their decision, but is now "quite looking forward to not having toilet paper for a full six months!"

Sponge Girl Not Such A Nice Person After All: Friend

2005-11-22T22:42:00.000+08:00

It has come to our attention that Sponge Girl - lauded author, trendsetter, linguist and humanitarian - may not be, in the words of a close friend: "all that fantastic".

The friend, who did not want to be identified, has accused Sponge Girl of being "a snooty cow". In addition the friend, who had consulted a random and representative sample of unnamed objective persons, argued that most people believed Sponge Girl had only been successful "'cause she's got big breasts - I mean, c'mon?!".

The friend also expressed fury over Sponge Girl blatantly ignoring her at a recent birthday party: "she was just like 'yeah, we did Classical Languages together in first year, right?', and then a beeline to the bowl of Cheezels". Added the friend: "How rude can you get?"

Sponge Girl was not available for comment.

Sponge Girl Implicated in Weekend Punch-Up!

2005-11-18T23:52:00.000+08:00

The literary world's sweetheart, Sponge Girl, whose forays into the worlds of both adult and children's fantasy writing have earnt her numerous awards and the respect and admiration of such literary luminaries as Andrei Makine and Salman Rushdie, has been named as the cause of the schocking fight scene at the Cannes film festival over the weekend.

The incident, now known as the "Gentlemen's argument" made headlines all around the world as Gabriel Byrne, Jeremy Irons and Alan Rickman - all known for their cool tempers and exquisite behaviour - began fighting in what was at the time thought to be a drunken brawl. It has since emerged that the well-respected actors were in fact attempting to take each other out of competition for a role in a film based on Sponge Girl's latest book. The film is to be directed by Tim Burton and will feature Sponge Girl in a minor part, with Kate Winslet taking the female lead.

Mr Irons was heard crying in an exlusive hospital, where he is being treated for two fractured ribs, explaining to what eye witnesses claim was a very angry wife, that "I only wanted to meet her!". The two other gentlemen involved in the incident, Byrne suffering a broken wrist and Rickman surviving relatively unscathed, have been known to make similar comments.

"I must say I can't blame them", commented Orlando Bloom, who witnessed the fight. "Of course I don't know her well, but in our brief meeting (at The Corpse Bride premiere) I must say I felt her to be a thoroughly enchanting girl, and well worth fighting for". Gael Garcia Bernal, also present, seemed to agree, but lapsed into such a passionate Spanish soliloqui it was impossible to discover his precise meaning.

Sponge Girl herself seemed thoroughly regretful about the incident. Returning from a dinner celebrating her fiance's fencing World Cup victory (full story on page 24), she wished all three a quick recovery. Smiling in her trademark charming fashion, the beautiful young woman did not comment on whether she would visit the quarrelling threesome to mend their relationship, though sources close to her believe "it is highly likely, given the immensely benevolent nature of that girl". -Reuters